Photo by James Barker on Unsplash

How to Make and Eat a Pot Pie

Be sure to overcook your pot pie (4–6 minutes in the microwave) or we cannot guarantee that it will actually be cooked well enough to be safe for you to eat without what some call “food poisoning” but what is known in the business as “edible ouchies.”

Make sure your pot pie is hot enough that you will always, every time, burn your tongue on our pot pie product. This is another form of edible ouchie that is entirely your fault and though we take no responsibility for any kind of edible ouchie, we are especially stepping away from this one. Burning your tongue is just part of the pot pie experience. Stop whining.

You may eat your pot pie with a fork or a spoon. Do not eat with a spork. Sporks are for kidding around. They are a joke utensil. They do not actually exist.

If you do not eat the crust of your pot pie, it is okay to give some of the crust to the dog. The dog will not thank you properly, but will ask for more. The dog does not know how to thank properly except to ask for more. This should be considered proper thanking for a dog. That is, “asking for more” is literally a “thank you.” Expect nothing else and you will not be disappointed.

If your pot pie appears to be molten, we advise waiting an appropriate amount of time before eating. An appropriate amount of time would be at least five minutes. Do not wait longer than ten minutes, because then your pot pie will be cold and we cannot be responsible for yuckiness. Yuckiness is what occurs within a pot pie after sudden or gradual coldness.

Pot pies may be used as a breakfast food, but your results may vary. “Burnt Tongue Syndrome” is best avoided until afternoon. You do not want to spend your entire morning and also afternoon with an exfoliating tongue. Therefore, be extra careful if eating a pot pie before noon.

When making your pot pie in the microwave — 4–6 minutes — be aware this often creates patches of moltenness within your pot pie alongside patches of frozenness. Do not attempt to eat both moltenness and frozenness in the same bite. If you feel dizzy, queasy, altered, tipsy, or jagged upon eating either a molten or frozen patch of pot pie, call your doctor immediately. They likely won’t be able to help you, but this same thing has happened to them recently. They can empathize.

We used to include instructions on how to heat a pot pie in the conventional oven, but we are relatively certain that even though we recommended heating in the conventional oven for maximum flakiness of the crust, a vanishing number of people are patient enough to wait for a pot pie heated in the conventional oven, so we decided against these instructions from now on. If you decide to heat your pot pie in the conventional oven for maximum flakiness, you are on your own.

Once you have eaten your pot pie, do not allow your dog to eat the paper bowl that the pot pie is served in. Nor should you allow your dog to eat the paper box that the pot pie is packaged in. Do not allow your dog to eat any sort of pot pie packaging ever, even — or especially — if the pot pie packaging is somehow damaged or unusual. Pot pie packaging is universally unwise for dogs to eat. We cannot be responsible for the eventual results if allow your dog to eat pot pie packaging.

Also do not eat any of the pot pie packaging yourself. It won’t harm you (most of the time), but it’s not intended for consumption. Why would you eat it? What were you thinking?

Recycle all pot pie packaging if recycling of pot pie packaging is available in your area. (Eating is not a form of recycling. We’ve already been over this. You’re being ridiculous. Even if some of the pot pie gets stuck to the packaging and you start licking it off and then realize that you could just bite a piece while you’re licking, we still must advise against eating any of the pot pie packaging.)

The dog would really appreciate a small morsel. Even if you plan on eating the entire thing, crust and all, would it kill you to leave just that tiny bit for the dog? Maybe a bit of chicken along with it? Some of that gravy stuff too? Yeah, the crust is good, but the dog can smell the chicken and the gravy (the carrots and peas are all right, so long as they have gravy, but the chicken and the gravy — that’s really where it’s at).

If you cannot recycle the pot pie packaging, please dispose of all pot pie packaging properly or the dog will find it and eat it. It simply doesn’t matter how far back on the counter you set it. The dog can smell that pot pie packaging as if it were the pot pie itself, and he doesn’t care that it’s not actually pot pie. He will eat it. So dispose of it. Tie it up into a plastic bag and put it in the outside trash receptacle. And as you do this, do not be tempted. It will not serve you well after several hours to even look inside the packaging to see if anything is stuck to the paper. It is just packaging. Stow the packaging and get rid of it.

Get rid of it now. Before it is too late.

Congratulations. You have successfully heated and eaten a pot pie. How do you feel?