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76 Pithy Sayings of Mine to (Hopefully) Make You Smile and Ponder a Little

1. I looked for many years for the Fountain of Youth. When I finally found it, it had an ‘Out of Order’ sign hanging on it.
 2. Some charities include coins in their envelope when asking for a donation. But did those coins come from money I donated before?
 3. Called an old friend recently to reconnect after a long time had passed. He answered, ‘Who’s this? Where’d you get this number?!’
 4. People have such short attention spans nowadays. They can’t seem to stay focused for more than — hey look, a squirrel!
 5. The old greeting ‘How now?’ is short for ‘How say you now?’ used long ago by Shakespeare in his play ‘How Say You Now, Brown Cow?’
 6. My wife and I visited Paris looking like typical tourists. However, a pizza delivery guy stopped and asked US for directions!
 7. As a modern day Nostradamus, I’ve narrowed down the date the world ends to sometime between January 1st and December 31st.
 8. Sometimes I get a strong urge to attack a problem with great energy and resolve. But I wait a few seconds and the feeling passes.
 9. To paraphrase Nietzsche, whatever that does not kill me, still hurts like hell. (But at least I’m not dead!)

10. I just finished an hour power nap and now I feel stronger than never.
11. My wife made curry for supper the other day. As usual, my tired old pun ‘please curry up’ didn’t curry any etra favor with her.

12. Came across a short video on YouTube titled ‘How To Reverse Vision Loss’. But I can’t see how you can do that.
13. Why is it that when there’s a food I really, really like, it doesn’t like me back very much?
14. If, as the old song goes, ‘1 is the loneliest number’, can you imagine how 0 feels?
15. Crazy conspiracy theory people are all over the Internet, which some think is an elaborate Government hoax itself. Hmmm…
16. Time Magazine just came out with its annual issue of ‘The 100 Most Influential People’. I wasn’t on it. Again.
17. My wife said since I retired I take more naps than a cat. I protested mildly by playfully slapping her hand with my paw.

18. I own a luxurious mansion but for security reasons I’ve cleverly disguised it as an ordinary townhouse.

19. The world can be a pretty funny place at times. So why aren’t more people laughing?

20. When I first heard the song ‘Do You Know The Way To San Jose?’, I didn’t know. No smart phone with GoogleMaps app to help me then.

21. If you’re overly worried about the Afterlife, the proper thing to do is to live your life honorably in the Before Death.

22. The phrase ‘the world is my oyster’ doesn’t work for me because oysters make me gag. But ‘the world is my pizza’ works very well.

23. The Right thinks Trump’s election began a great American renaissance. The Left thinks his election started a steep downward spiral in America. The Middle thinks: ‘Chill out, Drama Queens; it’s neither.’

24. When I was 13, I wrote a song called ‘The Huntress’ and paid $40 to have it turned into a hit song. It sold 1 copy. (Thanks, Dad!)

25. The saying ‘went over like a lead balloon’ doesn’t hold up under closer scrutiny.

26. When I was a boy, my uncle accidentally shot an arrow into the corner of my eye. But I still can’t see my way to forgiving him.

27. There’s a time and place for everything. All you need is a smart phone with a clock and Google Maps app and you’re all set.

28. I couldn’t wait to get up this morning. But I waited anyway.

29. Sign on my doctor’s waiting room wall: ‘No Cell Phones!’. Nearby was another sign with info on how to access their free WiFi.

30. In the Old West, almost everyone had a gun. But nowadays … well, nothing has changed. Almost everyone has a gun. High noon?

31. White House weather forecast: Stormy, with a chance of meatballs.

32. If ‘step on a crack, break your back’ were true, hospitals would be filled with broken back cell phone users.

33. Some people think the Earth is flat. So let’s blast them into space and let them see for themselves. Then leave the idiots up there.

34. I took a Roman numerals ‘math’ class in college. It was real easy until I got past III.

35. When I was younger, I dreamed of being a stand up comedian. But now, I’d settle for being a sit down comedian.

36. When I say something truly dumb my wife asks, ‘Do you really have a Master’s Degree?’

37. Had umbrella. Wind blew it away. Had balloon. Wind blew it away. Had 10 dollar bill. Wind blew it away. … Wind really blows!

38. Procrastination is a very hard habit to break. You really have to take your time to do it right.

39. My wife and I have been married for 45 years. The first 44 were the hardest.

40. I’m trying the intermittent fasting diet. I eat, then fast several hours, eat, then fast several hours, and so on. Haven’t lost an ounce for some reason.

41. President Franklin D. Roosevelt used to have fireside radio chats. Nowadays, President Donald J. Trump has bedside Twitter tweets.

42. I asked my wife to put this on my gravestone when I die: ‘Well, are you happy NOW?!’

43. I used to like listening to the Rolling Stones. But now I can’t get no satisfaction.

44. Why is there so much hate in the world? I really hate that.

45. Is it just me, or is Facebook a giant time suck? I really gotta get off now. … Oh wait, let me read just one more post first.

46. If you’re crazy and you know it, clap your hands.

47. As teenagers, my friends and I heard on the radio ‘I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill’. We searched everywhere for that hill. No luck.

48. My wife visited her sister in Japan for 2 weeks. Thanks a million, Mr. Percy Spencer, for inventing the microwave oven!

49. CNN must spend a fortune on its insurance coverage because Wolf Blitzer is constantly Breaking News.

50. Ate the last of some baby dill pickles at supper. The adult dills are in the fridge shaking in their juice awaiting their turn on the menu.

51. Lately I’ve been having crazy action/adventure-packed dreams. Clearly mocking me because my intense physical action days are long gone.

52. I gotta be extra careful nowadays. Can pull a muscle just reaching for the TV remote. (By the way, where is that darn thing?)

53. Politically, I’ve been called offensive names like “Libtard” and “Conservatard”, but am actually a Moderate (‘Modtard’? oh no!).

54. Imagine poor old Johnny B. Goode in a New Orleans nursing home forever wondering, ‘Oh Maybellene, why couldn’t you be true?’

55. A man was wearing a T-shirt that said ‘MAGA’ on the front. Someone said, ‘Oh, Make America Great Again, right?’ The man replied, ‘No, Make American Grapes Again.’

56. Why does everyone discussing politics have to be so disagreeable? I strongly disagree with that behavior.

57. While reaching for a bottom shelf book at B&N, my back seized up, causing me great pain for months. That book was really costly.

58. Some people wake up at the crack of dawn. And some, especially in big cities, wake up at the crack of a gun being fired somewhere.

59. If you’re down to your last Cup Noodle, be sure to bless that meal and say ‘amen for the ramen’.

60. When someone asks me ‘What’s on your mind?’, I’m sometimes tempted to go all literal on them and say ‘The inside of my skull’.

61. I came across a ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ door mat rug for sale online. Getting that rug might represent the right step for some and a misstep for others.

62. People urging patience say ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’. What they don’t say is that it’s taken about 2771 years so far to build Rome!!

63. I visited a fast food restaurant and saw a sign touting a massive new sandwich called ‘Meat Mountain’. However, it should have been called ‘Heart Attack Inducer’.

64. Scientists say a huge asteroid will hit us some day, causing massive destruction. Note to self: Start building escape rocket ship.

65. I experienced my first epiphany when I found out what the word ‘epiphany’ means.
66. I wish I had a dollar for every time I wished I had a dollar when I was a kid growing up.

67. I’m at IHOP. (No, not that one.) I’m at the International House of Pain. Also known as the dentist’s office.

68. Some guy on Facebook who looks just like me in his tiny round photo, keeps asking me ‘What’s on your mind, Terry?’ How annoying.

69. I bought a bottle of memory boost pills. But I keep forgetting to take them.

70. Too many people use profanity nowadays. I think it’s a damn shame.

71. I don’t care about anyone who doesn’t care about anyone.

72. I think the saying ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ was made up by a lazy old dog.

73. I’ve loved ‘Star Trek’ ever since it started in the late 60’s when I was a kid. Wait! I still AM a kid. Just a considerably older one.

74. The U.S. never adopted the metric system. So as a loyal American, I refuse to run in any 5K race.

75. OK, so maybe money can’t really ‘buy’ happiness. But having some money lets you ‘rent’ happiness from time to time.

76. The Day of Reckoning is coming! … I reckon.