Codependency.
At the height of my drunken days (daze), my wife made it clear that my actions would have to change or our status, as a married couple, would change.
She told me to get help or get out. I chose to get help.
The problem with being a codependent (I am one), is that we can love people to death. We bail our loved ones out, when we should let them suffer the consequences of their actions. A friend says, “you can not pray yourself out of a situation you have drank yourself into.” You made your bed now lie in it.
( for the best description of codependency see the books by Melody Beattie)
My wife was willing to lovingly let me go. She saved my life. Many was the time she would leave me, drunk on the coach, to go off to the movies or talk with a girlfriend. She did not make excuses for my actions, she did not blame herself, and she did not get so involved with helping me that she lost touch with herself. That really saddened me, how could she live a life while I was so sick?
I got tired of disappointing her. I was tired of screwing up my life.
That “Witch” wouldn’t let me enjoy nothing. She was the biggest buzz kill ever. I work hard, I desirve…. Yada yada. Excuses, rationalizations, and lies. Deny everything, and maybe it will just go away.
There is such a thin line between loving and helping and enabling. It is normal, noble and a duty to care for the ill. But not when it is self imposed. If I take that first drink I will die, plain and simple. I have all the tools and knowledge to stay sober. It is my choice to use these tools.
An alcoholic going thru detox is an ugly thing to witness. Homeless shelters often keep a little bit of booze on hand help a person ease towards drying out. And to keep then quite during the “screaming meanings”, the DTs, when the skin crawls, the hands shake and the addict may go into convoltions. Alcohol withdraw can kill.
No one, with any compassion, wants too see anyone in pain. Sometimes, we must stand back and watch a person fall. Put then in detox, sure, but, fallowing that, either get into some kind of recovery it get out.
So, where does a person draw the line? Ask my wife.
Once again I refer to the books of Melody Besttie (the new codependency). There are groups. AlAnon, was very helpful to me, now I go to Celebrate Recovery.
Sometimes I draw a cartoon that is so brutally in my face that it makes me cringe.
Somethings, when working with another alcoholic, I have to get tough and get real. If he really wants soberity, he must be willing to do whatever it takes. Don’t ask me to be your sponsor of you are not serious.
I have a whole list of rules and requirements I demand of new Sponsees. I must protect my own sobriety and serenity.
If I am not diligent, I will end up like the above cartoon. This, btw, is one of my most favorite drawings about blackouts. It comes from a story my sponsor likes to tell.
The point is; I am one arm’s length away from ‘going back out’ again because I am a believer who struggles with alcohol and codependency.
Stand firm my friends. You are worth it.
Gotta run and get to a meeting. Thanks for letting me share.
