Swing low

The great American pass time.

I used to love to play baseball. After I got over a great fear of the ball. A hardball hurling through the air at me filled me with dread.

Dad would take me out in the front lawn and we would play catch.

Well, poppa would throw, I would almost catch it and then case the ball down the street.

I had some kind of problem in my head. I was just plain afraid of a hard ball hurling thru space toward my head.

I wanted to be an athlete but something inside of me would hold back.

Fear of success? I think I was afraid of doing well. I would come as close to catching it, without catching it, as I could.

And I sure did not understand it. Maybe it was a control thing. I knew I could control failing. But, succeeding was iffy. (Is iffy a real word?)

Better to plan failure than give it the best effort and still fail short. I was a tad bit mixed up.

Eventually, I learned how to overcome my fear. But, through out my involvement in sports, I do not think I ever lived up to what I might have done. I always held back.

Failure, has such a negitive connotation! As if to fail is the defining aspect of one’s character. I am not a failure I am a person who has failed.

I say I am a recovered drunk, but that is just a convenient term to save space and time.

The fact is, I am a person who has an inability to stop if I should start drinking.

Easier to just say; “I am an alcholic”.

And, there is a profound relief in confessing my defect with that simple statement. But, it is just a title of a much deeper aspect of my character.

I used to fail at soberity. I accept that and move on.

I hate when they interview the losers of an atheletic contest. These people have just come short of achieving their passion, they are in no condition to talk rationally. It is a time for morning, reflection, and even anger. Temporarily.

Why is it not okay to feel bad for a while? The sun will come up tomorrow, but today is going to feel a bit gloomy.

Poppa never said anything bad about my awkwardness. He was patient and kind. He thought it was important I should learn to play ball. A path way to social acceptance.

In time, I would spend Saturdays and after school hours on the baseball feilds. Pick up games. Just playing catch, hitting and running.

I failed my way to success.