Chapter 27

I’ll take what’s left, what’s broken and shattered…I’ll find the pieces you have lost…there’s no need to spend another day, feeling like you do…I’ll take what’s left and make it new…

All I had to offer God was my brokenness. He was happy that I was coming to Him at all. It was the year 2011 and I had decided that after He came to me through my computer, to stop me in my tracks, that I would give my life completely to Him. I didn’t know exactly what that meant, but I knew I wanted to know Jesus for myself. No more depending on my parents’ relationship with Him, no more of that. I wanted to see how God could fix my situation without their help. How could He put this Humpty Dumpty back together again? I really wanted to find out. I started to read and pick up the books that were in my face all this time. I started to read the Bible, this time, praying before I did so that my eyes could be open to see what I had been taught as a child — for myself. I wanted to know, really wanted to know.

Knock and the door shall be open unto you. Seek and You will find, said the Bible. It didn’t click until I started actually acting that out. I was searching. People tend to say things like that all the time. I’m searching. I’m trying to find myself. I wasn’t even trying to find God…God was finding me. He took me unto His lap as if I was coming to Him for the very first time to learn. That I was. I was learning all over again. I would spend 5 minutes, then 20, then 60 minutes with Him each day. It was wonderful. For three months I did this and each time I would end the week in church I felt so alive! He definitely changed my direction. I was walking slowly but steadily to eternal darkness. I didn’t want that. No one wants that truly, but we can be so blind to it, we don’t know that’s where we’re going anyway.

I was watching youtube the year before, flicking through videos, when God let something pop up…

I don’t know how I got there, but soon I was watching tons of videos about the evil behind the music industry and how the smiles of the entertainers were fake and all that was simply a mask. They hid sorrow and emptiness, bitterness and fear. I didn’t want those people feeding my mind with their garbage any longer. I woke up to see how they were simply miserable puppets being used by a greater evil force. They were all controlled for each move they made and song they sang all for the purpose of controlling the new generation — mine. I didn’t understand why it couldn’t be just innocent fun or lyrics I listened to, but they weren’t. It was all a big fat lie. Broadway was truly the BROAD WAY spoken of in the Bible. I wanted to believe I was walking the narrow road, but I had veered off a long time ago. Only few people find that road the Bible also said. I felt like the devil was the Piper and I was skipping a long right behind him. Sadness overwhelmed me — I was so lost. I really did need to go back home. I was so tired of failing and being a nobody in my neighborhood. Some young good-for-nothing adult who still lived at home.

The first born always leads and stands out as the first to do great things. I thought that’s how it should be. That didn’t happen for me. I felt as if I was the baby of the family — the complete invalid. My folks still felt, if only I had applied myself…

Yet it was more than that. If only I had let God in my life…things would have gone much differently. What if there were no mistakes? Would I have learned these lessons? What if I never failed school and kept going for my dreams? Would I remember God?

Probably not.

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