Chapter 41

When you’re up against a wall
And your mountain seems so tall
And you realize that life’s not always fair
You can run away and hide
Let the old man decide
Or you can change your circumstances with a prayer

I did not know that it wasn’t until I stopped going around in circles and realize that God was waiting on me to surrender and start a relationship with Him that I’d get a new perspective on life. Whew! What a run-on sentence. That’s exactly what I was doing — running from God. Even though I knew my daddy, I did not really KNOW my true Father — the one in heaven. The one who made me. Somewhere in 2012 after I had my realization and had begun to see a purpose behind why I sang, I lost my way again. There were habits, nasty ones that held me in chains still. Or did I simply cling to them? I would never call sins ‘thorns in the flesh’. They were just indicating a new level of newness in Christ that I had to reach. Somewhere a long the line, I had given up on my new routine and fell back into the another hole — not as deep as the one I got out of before — still deep enough to sink low. Yet, this time, God was already there at the opening, bending, reaching to pull me out. I took His hand and tried again. In 2013, I felt as if I wasn’t going to ever be a ‘success’ according to society’s standards. I was going to end up working a menial job for the rest of my life, perhaps highlighting my talents here and there, but never fulfilling any potential I had left. I’d probably get old and gray and say to little ones in the future, “I could have been a great singer and had a career. All I needed was the funds. Or maybe more faith.” I’d shake my head from that imagination. It scared me. Never did I want to regret anymore. I had enough regrets already. That’s when 2014 gave me a glimmer of hope that I could get on that ‘mountain high’ I heard a song talk about. I’d get to be on a Christian television show I had first watched at the age of 8 years old. A station owned by the faith I held’s name sake. I was so proud then and to be a part of their ministry couldn’t make me more proud. By now, a lot had changed, technology, including the people, but I still got excited, like it was my birthday. As I stepped on to the stage and stared into the cameras, all the responsibility of being a part of it all weighed on me and I stiffened up. I was singing, but at the same time really wasn’t. I could hear myself through the monitors on the stage — and they were recording — but I was in so much awe that I couldn’t concentrate. The producer of the show was in the ‘production truck’ and made an call to the director and said through him to me that I needed to relax. I was so glad, taking a breath, that I’d get another chance. I talked with myself in my head, “Do it like you do at home. Sing for Jesus.”

I just needed to do what I had come to do. I had forgotten why I was there. Then I relaxed and just sang. They told me I sounded good the first time, but I looked tense. I needed to loosen up. SING. EXPRESS. I knew I wouldn’t be flaring my arms about when I sang or squishing my facial muscles together as if I was using the toilet, but I’d be myself. They told me the second take was better and asked if I wanted to repeat. I really did want to repeat, but I also wanted to get out of the cold Air Conditioned room! That was drying my throat out and I needed to get back to warmth. That state did not have humidity like my little island and that was the time I missed home the most. The conditions for singing the way I wanted to were indeed different. Either way, I had done my job and boy was I relieved after wards!

I was thankful to God that He had given me a voice that would take me that far. The lady interviewing me had done a pre-interview before the final one and in that she asked , “Did you ever take voice lessons?”

“No.” I replied with a smile.

“Wow,” she looked shocked. I had sung before we interviewed and from her own background, she could tell when a trained voice came on stage. I’m sure she was wondering how she could be wrong about me. I had never taken a formal vocal lesson in my life. Yet, I did learn how to sing…from God.