Tinder Didn’t Kill Dating: Our Phones Did

I was doing some writing in Starbucks earlier today when a young couple, most likely in their early twenties, sat down at the table next to me. I then saw their interaction or lack of interaction and was horrified. This was an atypical situation for me. Usually I’ll see people and both or all of them will be on their phone. But in this case, the girl was staring down at her phone the entire time and the guy was trying to talk to her.

I wasn’t really listening to their conversation, since I was still trying to write, but it kept nagging at me. It was pitiful to watch him continuously try to start a conversation and her simply not even look up from her phone. She would give one or maybe two word answers and then fall silent again. After a beat or two, he would try to bring up a new topic.

I understand that people need to send a quick text every once in a while or get back to someone, but she was scrolling along through Facebook and twitter and Instagram. I don’t know her and I could be wrong, but I don’t think that social media had anything that pressing going on. Yet, she was choosing to look at her screen instead of connecting with the guy who was so clearly trying to connect with her. When they had finished eating, he had to ask multiple times if she was ready to leave.

I then looked around the café. At a table across from me there was a couple who were maybe a decade older than the young couple. Neither of had their phones out. They were talking and engaged in conversation while they ate and drank their drinks. He only had to ask her once if she wanted to leave and they left holding hands.

A lot of arguments could be made here. For instance, they could have been together a lot longer than the young couple and they are older so their relationship could very likely be more serious. The couple next to me was not a new couple though — he did mention plans they had in the future and she mentioned her mom knowing him as they were leaving (yes, I did eavesdrop some). The point here is that, it can’t be said that they were on a bad first date and she was trying to show she wasn’t interested or make an escape plan.

And irregardless of how long either couple has been together or how serious they are: why was the girl on her phone the entire time? Nothing excuses that.

People complain that online dating and Tinder have ruined relationships. Perhaps they have added fuel to the hook-up culture fire, but they are not the root of the problem. They were made and became popular because there is a demand for them. A demand that was created because my generation is afraid of having meaningful relationships and the apps facilitate avoiding that.

To be fair, the truth is that connecting with someone on a deep level is hard and scary. It means being vulnerable and it means that someone or both of you could get hurt. It means you might get rejected for more personal reasons than you just responded to a text too soon after receiving it. And that sucks.

So, we are on our phones when we are with other people. Then we half-heartedly connect with them. Then it doesn’t hurt as much if it doesn’t work out. And apps like Tinder are favored, because just sleeping with someone is so much easier than getting to know them. There doesn’t *have* to be a lot of talking involved.

The problem is that it becomes a cycle. If you only connect with people on a surface level, then you never give them the chance to know the real you. Then they can’t really appreciate the person you are. So then they reject you for whatever superficial reason, which makes you even more closed off and less likely to be vulnerable.

If you are vulnerable from the start, then yes, they can reject you, but you can also know that you gave it your all. To be clear, I’m not saying pour your heart out on a first date — not everyone deserves to know all of you. It’s okay to open up slowly.

But, please get off your dam phone and actually interact with someone fully. Be in the moment. Be open to conversation. Stop thinking about your ex who was a douchebag…at least while on a date with someone else. This is someone new. Have fun. Stop thinking everyone is the same.

If you want to just hook-up, just hook-up, there is nothing wrong with that. Just be in the moment when you do. If you want something more, there is nothing wrong with that either. Just be in the moment then too.