When ‘No’ Doesn’t Mean ‘No’

Why are boundaries so difficult to understand for some people?

This is a question that I wonder about frequently. It has taken me a long time to learn how to set firm boundaries and reinforce them. And I’ve found that some people simply cannot respect boundaries. They don’t understand them, no matter how many ways I reiterate them or explain them. I’ve also found that I am unable to have those people in my life.

But then there are the people who can sometimes understand and respect boundaries. The question then becomes, when is enough enough?

I believe communication is important. And sometimes people need a boundary explained in a different way or at a different time. Depending on the relationship and who the person is, I’m sometimes willing to be patient and try to work something out. I’m not always the best at expressing myself, or maybe I think I’m expressing myself clearly, but I’m not.

When it comes to dating, I’ve found that the boundary that gets broken the most frequently is when I say I would like to wait to have sex.

Honestly, I’m now at the point where I think it is rude to bring up sex on a first date. But if someone does, I’ll say that I prefer to wait a little bit, because I need an emotional connection in order to enjoy sex (aka be able to have an orgasm, which if someone wants to sleep with me, should care about). I say I don’t have a set number of dates, it just depends on my interactions with the other person and when I feel an emotional connection and trust and respect.

After I say this, for me, the topic of sex is a closed subject. So when someone continues to bring it up each time we speak and/or see each other, I find it disrespectful.

First of all, why do they feel the need to continue to bring up sex after I said this? It isn’t like I have forgotten that they want to have sex with me (that is implicitly implied as long as you are dating someone). And it isn’t like I have forgotten that we haven’t had sex and need a reminder. Also, my explanation was clear about why I not only want to wait, but need to wait. Again, I’m hoping that they want me to enjoy sex.

So when someone continues to bring it up, I feel that they are not respecting my boundaries. In the past, I’ve thought that perhaps I should state it more clearly: “please do not bring up sex again. When I am ready to sleep with you I will tell you.” But that always seemed to be so blunt and while clear communication is key, the vast majority of people completely understand that my first explanation is a clear boundary. And to be completely honest, I have met plenty of people who just don’t bring up sex on the first date. The people who I have found who cannot respect my boundary and continue to bring it up, so far seem to also have trouble at respecting other boundaries down the line.

It’s always so difficult when dating, because when I meet someone who seems great, who I hit it off with, I only want to see the good. And it becomes very difficult to see the red flags.

I don’t like making generalizations about people, because I truly believe that each person is unique even if on the surface they present or appear like someone else. But I have found that certain behaviors are strong indicators of other problems and if someone has trouble respecting boundaries in one area, then they are going to have trouble respecting boundaries in another or many others.

Also, the more I have thought about it, the more troublesome it is when someone continuously brings up sex to me or any other person. It is applying pressure and suggesting that it is something that I need to do in order to please him or her and it is part of rape culture.

For example, if someone I had just started dating really wanted to see a specific movie and I said I didn’t want to see it until I had read the book, because otherwise I wouldn’t enjoy the movie, it would be weird and annoying and inappropriate if literally every time we spoke or saw each other they hounded me about whether or not I had read the book (although we have all encountered someone who would do this and we most likely never want to encounter them again). So why is it different when it comes to my or anyone else’s body and decision about when they are ready to have sex with another person?

To be very clear, I’m not saying that the people I have dated who were unable to respect this boundary or other boundaries raped me. What I am saying is that the belief that it is okay to hound someone about sex is a part of rape culture and that is perpetrated by history and society (think Brock Turner) not just those people I encountered.