Our guide to sex parties (revised)
The most important thing about sex parties is the relationship of the couple going into them (the word “couple” is deliberate here because better sex parties exclude most single men*). The sex party experience will only be as positive as the bond between that couple. If one person is excited and aggressive about group sex or exhibitionism, while the other is reluctant, things might not work out well. Parties thrive on rules and consent culture, and many couples at any individual party won’t necessary have sex with other people at that party.
Sex parties and new sex partners are easier to find in big cities than small towns. Try the obvious: search Bing or Google for something like “sex parties {your area}.” You’ll find more sex parties in Seattle than Ferndale. Rural Idaho doesn’t have that many late night Chinese food restaurants, yoga studios, or sex parties. In rural areas, sex parties tend to be organized as house parties, through sites like swinglifestyle.com (“SLS”) or Feeld. Cities are more likely to have semi-professional parties.
Better sex parties conduct some humane screening of potential participants for temperament and, yes, looks. Although sex party organizers generally won’t demand models or movie-star looks, most 26-year olds don’t want to have sex with 55-year olds. If you, dear reader, find screening for age or attractiveness undemocratic, go to a party that doesn’t screen, or organize one for yourself. The downsides of no screening are obvious, as are the downsides of screening.
Parties have strict rules about consent and a strong culture of consent (if you somehow find one that doesn’t, leave). Regardless of a given couple’s preferences, at sex parties, no really does mean no: the other person backs off quickly and thoroughly. No one tries to talk you into anything — if you aren’t willing someone else will be. Enthusiastic consent rules.
Participants run the gamut in terms of adventurousness. Some couples will just be voyeurs. Some will only stay with each other (this is probably the most common configuration. At a sex party, you are not obligated to have sex with anyone you don’t want to have sex with). Some will stay with each other and mess around with thirds or other couples. Some will split and only fuck other people, figuring that they might as well get something tonight that they can’t get tomorrow afternoon; why order at a restaurant what you routinely cook at home? You won’t know who plays by what rules unless you ask.
If you’re in a couple and apprehensive, set rules and stick to them; many couples will, for example, decide that they can kiss and touch another person with their hands but not have sex with another person. Follow those rules even if you want to ignore them in the moment.
Other couples will decide that they’re only going to do couple-to-couple switches. So a man will have sex with another woman, while his partner will have sex with the other man. Either party in either couple should be able to veto any swap with no recriminations or bad vibes. If a full, no-questions veto isn’t on the table, you may want to reconsider what you’re doing.
Most people are, or begin, somewhere between “full swap” and only attending to each other. It’s normal to be nervous about another person having sex with your partner, so start in a low-stakes place where you fool around with others and don’t have sex with them. See what you feel like like when you and your partner are sexually excited, and what things are like the next morning.
The situation is analogous to losing your virginity: most people don’t go from their first kiss to full-on sex in the same half hour. A few do and if that was you, fantastic — but it’s probably not the most common path.
Many people like the fantasy of their partners having sex with other people more than the reality. In addition, at sex parties participants can often proceed slowly, with (relatively) innocuous activity. Start with hands and kisses and see what happens.
Sex parties make it easy to turn back, so you don’t end up like this guy. It’s also not unusual for both people in a couple to get turned on, look each other in the eye, and go for the “full swap.” Actions in the heat of the moment can lead to next-morning regrets, though.
At the parties, follow the lead of the more experienced people. Usually there’ll be a period for mingling. Have a drink but don’t get drunk. Chat as you would normally. The more experienced or adventurous people will be scoping out the talent. At some point someone will start doing it, probably someone with more experience, and then everyone will. The sex party is like a middle school dance in this respect.
Inhibitions tend to drop after you’ve been fucking in a room with two dozen other people doing the same. Caressing a stranger’s breasts doesn’t seem odd after you’ve been watching them, and vice-versa, for an hour. Sex parties are a way of discerning who you really are, sexually speaking, when you can seek pretty much anything you want.
Not everyone will like discovering who they really are, and sex parties offer a way to start in an environmental context that prioritizes safety and consent. If you go to a sex party, you aren’t promising anyone anything. If you decide you’re uncomfortable, leave.
When’s the last time that you and your partner dreamed of something fun and sexual, anticipated the moment, lived through the fantasy, and then discussed it afterwards? We hope the answer is “often.” Having a shared sexual experience with others deepens your bond with your partner and makes you closer to each other. This is the antidote to cheating, and to boredom. It’s a fun, shared adventure. It’s not for everyone.
If you want to see what sex with more than two people is like, sex parties have some advantages over people you know. You don’t have to worry about someone at a sex party telling all your friends. If you don’t like having sex with other people, or in front of other people, you can rapidly dress and leave. No one is going to notice, because they’ll be too interested in the hot action right in front of them.
At most sex parties for straight or straight-ish people, women tend to experiment with each other and men tend not to. It’s not uncommon for a single woman to show up primarily so she can see what it’s like to be with a woman (or a group of women). We once brought a strap-on to a sex party, which made us very popular. The most common response we got was, “I wish I’d thought of that!” The night often starts with women kissing and having their first orgasms, or very intense warmups, with another woman.
None of this is mandatory. Nothing is mandatory.
As we said, guys tend not to mess around with each other, though we’ve seen ads for parties that explicitly encourage bi guys. If a guy is interested in experimenting with another guy, announcing as much in any gay club any night of the week will likely be sufficient to fulfill as much experimentation as he could possibly want to conduct.
Excitement is important. More relationships die, directly or indirectly, through boredom than any other cause save money. Cheating is, on the surface level, an expression of boredom; on a deeper level, it has evolutionary roots beyond the scope of this discussion. Robin Baker’s Sperm Wars is a decent introduction.
We feel very North American writing this. In our erotic imaginations, Germans or the French would intuit the pleasures of sex parties, and take to them instinctively, while Americans have to write a how-to on sex. But if writing a how-to gets people having better sex then so be it. We’ll be the examples.
Further reading
- “A Beginner’s Guide to Modern Orgies”
- Diary of a Sex Fiend: Girl With a One-Track Mind by Abby Lee (Simply Girl with a One-Track Mind in the UK)
- The Evolutionary Biology of Human Female Sexuality by Gangestad and Thornhill
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
- Plays Well in Groups: A Journey Through the World of Group Sex by Katherine Frank
- A Modern Marriage: A Memoir by Mark & Christy Kidd
Many people swear by The Ethical Slut and More Than Two. They’re both fine books but not my favorite.
If you have other suggestions, tell us about them.
The more you read, the more you know.
* The parties that allow single men specifically identify themselves as such and they generally cater to niche interests. We don’t go to them and we’ve heard bad things about them.
