Twinkle Twinkle Little Star my angel whispered drifting to sleep. I remember smiling and giving her a kiss on her forehead while I laid her down on my bed to take a nap.
She made me happy.
I’d been singing to her since she was in my belly. I enjoyed it just as much as her; it had become a routine for the both of us.
Even though my voice was not very appealing to me. I assume to others as well but to her it was.
That’s what really mattered.
That little girl was the reason for my existence. Many times before I became a mother I’d wanted to just stop breathing. I didn’t see a reason to be here on this planet called earth. I felt like a waste of space. Nobody needed me.
To much hurt and pain at such a young age can seriously torment a person. Especially if you don’t get the counseling or therapy you need. But thankfully those thoughts slowly stopped after she was by my side. She had become my motivation to live. Anytime I felt like quitting I would remember why I am here.
I was a mom now. My job was to protect her and teach her and help her. So she didn’t go through what I had.
On this specific day we’d been at home alone as we usually were in the daytime on a weekday. My mom and step dad were at work. My front door was locked and I had my bedroom door closed but not locked.
I usually would watch t.v. or read a book while she took her nap but I found myself also dozing off.
Even though she had her own room she had always hated to sleep in her room alone. Let me be honest I hated to sleep alone in my room too, so her crib was in my room. I think back and wish she’d been in her room and not mine.
I know that everybody goes through crap. Everyone has their own story. That nobody wants to hear mine.
Well I don’t ❤ care…I’ve been learning to cope. I had buried my fears in the back of my head, for a hope that they would disappear. But I’ve learned that’s not the best way to heal.
Digging my secrets out of the grave 🌃
So as I was saying on this particular day I laid my daughter down to take a nap. I fell asleep right beside her. We were the only ones home;so I locked the front door and closed my bedroom door. I had my radio on softly. I’m not sure how long I had been asleep when I woke up startled. I was about to scream when all of a sudden he put 1 hand over my mouth and pressed down very tightly. He stared at me very creepy looking while he had his other hand going up and down my body. He was touching my face and my hair.
He kept saying:
- oh my god your so beautiful
- Wow I can’t believe it
- I love you
He said those phrases a lot as if he was shocked or happy. I was very scared. I kept trying to move but he over powered me.
I was turning looking for my baby. He put his finger over his mouth (as if saying shhhh). As soon as I nodded assuring him I wasn’t going to scream he released the pressure from his hand over my mouth allowing me to speak.
The first words I spoke:
- Where is my baby?
- Where is she?!?
His response:
- Esta dormida(she’s sleeping) so don’t talk(I don’t know how to write that in Spanish)
But I talked anyways.
- But what are you doing?
- How did you get in my house?
- If my mom comes..!
He cut me off. Covered my mouth and told me to be quite.
The words he said after will replay for the rest of life in my head:
- Your mom already knows she told me it was okay. (In spanish)
I was crying and pleading with him that this was a mistake that he didn’t really want to do this.
He was nice the whole time in a weird way. He in some way thought he loved me. The way he acted was as if I was a present he had wanted for awhile and he couldn’t have.
I repeated multiple times:
- No please!
- I don’t want to do this please!
- Aren’t you Manuel’s friend?
- Are you at least using protection?
He really didn’t seem to care what I had to say.
He raped me twice that day.
The worst part is that he took his time.
He started slow and gentle. He kept saying things that apparently were fascinating to him. Like things he liked about me. Then he finished inside me. He never hit me.
I ask myself now, what the hell was wrong with me? Why hadn’t I bitten him or something? Poked his eyeball or kneed him in the private part! But I was so scared for my daughter. I honestly didn’t know what to do at that moment.
Then he began to rape me again but this time a lot faster. And this time he wasn’t being very nice. He was very rough. He seemed very mad. He was saying what I had done that bothered him so much. Thing’s that I apparently had been doing wrong.
I was so confused.
I’m not sure why this was happening again to me.
One minute I’m sleeping and the next my neighbor is in my room raping me while I am laying next to my daughter.
I kept hoping that she wouldn’t wake up.
I was so scared because he was getting so rough my bed was moving now. I kept trying to not make noise but it was hard.
I was trying to be quiet to not make him mad but I finally said can we please at least go to the living room or something. I really don’t want my daughter to wake up.
He said
- No at first.
I started talking to him like a normal person. I guess trying to gain his trust. My body was very tired and hurting. I had realised that nothing would make him stop. He had already raped me there was no helping me. But I did not want my daughter to see. I didn’t need her to get confused.
He was worried I was going to run.
But I replied
- Please and either way I couldn’t leave without my baby.
She started to move. I
I said
- Please
I gave her pacifier.
We went to the living room floor. I honestly didn’t know how to act. But I know I started feeling low, my confidence was slowly disappearing.
I tried once again to talk him out of this. But really this was already happening. And once again I wasn’t in control of my own life. I listened to him talk to himself and to me about how he loved me.
Something he said has always made me wonder. If I would waved or said hi to him more often would this not of happened.
In spanish of course but he said:
He would just watch me leave my house and get straight in to Manuel’s car.
I never turned to look at his house. That I never saw him sitting their on his porch. He said he tried everything even loud music. That I never even turned when he had his friends over with him sitting on the porch. He said he wanted to know what I liked. Why didn’t I look at him?
He would drive different cars and dress different but I never turned!
And that when I came home I did the same thing. I would get off and never turn right or left. I would just run inside and occasionally turn back and wave back at Manuel.
I was quite when he was talking , I was listening to what he was saying. I was trying to understand why this all happened. When he finally stopped having sex with me I just looked at him. I felt bad for him because he seemed sad.
I know my stupid self started feeling bad for the guy that just broke into my house and walked into my room and raped me twice while I was laying next to my 1 year old daughter!
What the hell was wrong with me? But I am writing this because that day I felt like a nobody. That day I wasn’t able to rescue myself. And I let him get into my head. I’m not sure how or why but my mind back then wasn’t strong enough to go against him because he won. He showed remorse and said he loved me. And we hugged and cried. There I was naked in serious pain and all the crap he was saying made me feel sorry for him! Just remembering how I started acting like his a stupid puppy and he was my master makes me sick.
I don’t get it really.
How? Why? I should of killed the bastard but somehow I believed his lies.
HE SAID:
That he couldn’t help it he had to break into my house and make love to me because he loved me and it was the only way to get my attention. He didn’t know what else to do. To please forgive him.
Make love to me = Rape
Well what he never knew was that I needed 👓 glasses since I was in 2nd grade. And in 3rd grade I fell asleep with them on and they broke. My grandpa bought that pair for me. So I was basically blind as a bat through 3rd grade on.
So I never turned to look at you because I couldn’t actually see you! I couldn’t see you or your friend’s! I could only see colors. A lot was just a big blur really. I noticed your cars, I heard your music but what was I suppose to do about it?
I remember when my mom introduced me to you. She said you walked up to her and my step dad and said you wanted to meet her daughter. That I was so beautiful and quite. I never felt beautiful that’s for sure.
But I also remember I was a rude teenager and told my mom “omg mom whatever”. I was on the phone with my boyfriend and she made me go outside to at least say hi. You stared at me a lot and was holding my hand a little to long. But I smiled and said um okay bye sorry I’m on the phone with my boyfriend.
My mom said sorry to you for how I acted. I want to say I’m sorry for how I acted. But why couldn’t you be like a normal person and talk to me instead of breaking in to my house and causing a lifetime of nightmares. Why while I laid next to my daughter?
WHY?
CNY1987
