I can’t remember what in the world I was doing the past 5 years.

Have I lost my mind? Or just my memories? The bits and pieces I do remember seem as if it was just a few days ago. But in reality it was years ago.

My mind is going non-stop 24/7 and it’s hard to make it stop. Sometimes I wonder if I was asleep for 2 or 3 years and just woke up.

As if I was in a coma of some sort.

I guess this all really started when I started to feel very fatigued. I was working in the day and night. Began to worry more and more. Taking my lunches to pick up kids after school. Rush the kids to babysitter then back to work. Husband started drinking and going out. Life got very stressful…

I really began to feel very WEAK inside. I actually took myself to the Doctor which I never did before, at least not for me. I explained everything I was feeling. They did lots of test.

I never took medicine before this because I always said I was strong and healthy.

I’ve had 5 kids, and been through so many things most people hadn’t in life, so come on I can basically handle it all. (I would always say)

I was wrong…

The physical pain that my body was about to feel was way stronger to me then child birth or getting ran over by a car or beat up.

All the twitching inside would cause me to fall to the ground and scream. The fire running all through my body was burning me inside and out. My bones felt as if they were breaking in every movement that I made. The tingling in my fingers and my toes were causing me to not be able to write or even open a door. Standing longer then 5 minutes became a miracle for me.

There were moments I couldn’t get out of bed, as if my body was asleep. My head began to go numb during these sudden attacks that I would have. There was times where I couldn’t go to the bathroom for almost 7 days. I thought I was going to explode inside. I tried everything even eating raw garlic Eewww ... I know!

From all this I eventually left my job. Cooking in the kitchen was my favorite thing to do when I was at home. But not anymore I stopped cooking like before, the pain is all I could think about. I stopped seeing friends. Going outside was dreadful to me. I didn’t like the ugly red rashes I was getting on my face. I would gain weight and then lose weight.

I LOST ME through all these battles that body was experiencing.

My strength became weak from my body to my mind.

All these side effects to all this meds, are clearly starting to take the best of me ”… CNY ✌

I’m not sure if it was the stress or the anxiety or all the 12 different medicines they had me taking. But I was no longer myself. I became very forgetful. No job, no friends, no energy to continue fighting to be me everyday.

So now 5 years later….

  • I don’t take any medicine because I chose not to.
  • My body still hurts but not anything like before. Or maybe I’m just use to it all.
  • I have changed my eating habits that’s always a plus.
  • I have learned to control my anxiety attacks by feeling them coming on. Breathing calmly. Getting fresh air. Drinking water. Or eating a little chocolate.. lol ..
  • I don’t scream like before, I try to talk and explain and understand things.

Rebuilding myself is hard work, from trying to remember memories of family and friends. From knowing how old I am to how old are my kids.

I still wonder if I was in a coma of some sort. I want answers but don’t want to seem like a crazy person for asking them. So I continue with my days as if they never stopped. People look different but so do I. I try not to stare and make it obvious.

I lost me through all these battles that my body experienced. Now I’m just trying to rebuild myself.

{ A little help with some patience would be appreciative }