Geoff Barnes

The time that used to separate us has been obliterated. Stop. http://texburgher.com


The Art of Cursing


You’ll always remember the first time you hear your kid say the f-word. Like the Space Shuttle Challenger exploding or the falling of the Berlin Wall or the morning of 9/11…


Guarded


The guard on the first floor of our building stopped me this morning in the lobby, as I was humming, about to board the elevator.

“You just reminded me of someone I used to work with years ago,” he said. “An old, black man from the South who used to say whistling and humming was a sign of contentment. When you came in here humming like that, you reminded me of him.”


Lapsus Linguae


It was January in Vermont and there were boxes everywhere.

Piles of empty boxes by the door. Next to them: permanent markers, paper, and tape. On the kitchenette countertop: empty boxes. In the bathtub: empty boxes. Potential vessels all.

Stacks of boxes on the ground. Packed neatly with cassette tapes, each box labeled with a name scrawled…


The Importance of Self-Importance

A brash manifesto on opinion-dynamics in the post-shame era

Publications edited by Geoff Barnes

Mostly stuff about parents, masquerading as stuff about kids.

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Infinite Repeat

Tentative Observations on Current Events

Spread-eagle between fact and fiction

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Origin Stories

Ceci n’est pas un moustache.


Infinite Repeat


We were nearing the end of a long day. Up at 6:00, servile ‘til the late summer sundown. Only two hours to go. We were driving home from Alex’s trumpet lesson, listening to They Might Be Giants. Like you do. “Particle Man” came on.

Is he a dot, or is he a speck,
When he’s underwater, does he get wet,
Or does the water get him instead?
Nobody…

Medicine Show


Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather ‘round and witness as I reveal one of the heretofore most closely guarded secrets in my platinum-plated creative toolbox. That’s right, folks, what I’m about to show you can’t be learned in any schools, and you won’t find it in stores. It’s a veritable treasure trove of writerly gold, and it’s about to be yours for the taking.


Through the Glare


I just want to go home.

I’m trying to turn left, from a parking lot onto a two-lane road. It’s not a huge road, but it’s rush hour so the road is busy. 100 feet to my right, there’s a four-way stoplight. Cars turn from the intersecting road onto the road I am trying to take home. So, to my right, there’s a heavy stream of traffic. To my left, a guy in his…


Confessions of a Baby-Daddy

In 1999, I helped a lesbian couple father a child. A friend recently asked me if I would write a piece detailing the process from start to finish, including what I recall thinking throughout the experience.


There were four married couples when it began. Rob was an ex-marine who’d served in the first Gulf…


The Seven Deadly Sins of iOS 7


There’s no shortage of opinions about Apple’s latest update to iOS. Tirades, rants, screeds, love-letters, rampant speculation, demands for apologies, calls…


How I Proposed To My Wife


Julie’s birthday was on Sunday. Months prior, she’d been asking for an iPhone 4 for her birthday. “I’m ready to become an Internet addict like you!” she’d say, and I…