Baltimore City, Stop Your Bitching

Can we stop fucking whining and learn to sack up already…

This week our city has gone fucking crazy over a blog post by Tracey Halvorsen regarding a recent rash of crime in southeast Baltimore.

I’ll admit, after reading this I created my own Medium account to write a heartfelt response and spent about two hours this morning detailing my own personal journey in Baltimore City and laying out my rational for deciding to live here against the prospect of moving out.

And then as I was about to post a wave of clarity washed over me —

Why the fuck are people in Baltimore rationalizing their love or hatred of Baltimore City to a bunch of strangers on the Internet?

Bad shit happens in Baltimore City. Bad shit happens in Washington DC. Bad shit happened basically every fucking place where large numbers of humans decide to populate and I think it’s about time we fucking nut up and respect that.

We can all agree that most people feel Howard County is a rather nice place to live, but I’m pretty fucking sure if you pulled out a ouija board and talked to the two kids who were working the Columbia Mall last month they wouldn’t have good things to say about that place either. It’s the price we pay for civilization. The price we pay for a free society. The price we pay for being human.

If you feel so afraid that you can’t walk outside of your own home for fear of being victimized, first off you are a huge pussy, and secondly move. You can’t rationalize with stupid.

Let me put this fear into perspective. For every homicide in Baltimore City we have a little over one auto fatality in the metro area. 85% of the homicides happen to prior felons, while the accidents appear to happen evenly across race, class and conviction status.

By this logic the people in Baltimore should be fucking terrified of driving cars. Fuck, we should just rent the room above our office and slide into our seats from a fireman’s pole because we’re scared shitless about the horrors of the road.

But no, we somehow keep our shit when it comes to the most dangerous aspect of our lives, and decide to publicly turn into huge fucking babies when we can ride the coattails of sensationalized news about a probable certainty when there are a critical mass of people living in together. The title of the blog post should have just been “Look at me! Look at me!”

Well, fuck all of you whiners.

I have the distinct advantage of looking down in the shower and being blessed with the image of two shining brass balls and a large swinging dick which if left to it’s own devices would bludgeon small children when I run.

I like Baltimore City. No I love Baltimore City. And loving something means that you can wake up in the morning, look past it’s imperfection, smile as you look into it’s eyes, and sincerly ask it to blow you. So how about it Baltimore, stop your fucking whining and just blow me already?

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated That Guys On Heroin’s story.