Just when the ball of motivation gets rolling, the fire in the belly molding its energy within, the holy spirit of blind faith taking my hand I get this sense of not knowing where to put in the work. I start working out more consistently then my music takes a hit. I start working more on the mixtape, my reading falls behind which leads to even less work on the website and on Fathers for Fathers.All that, on top of making sure I put all my effort into being present with my son when I have him. (Did I mention meal prepping too?)
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining at all. The fact the above are obligations [mainly by choice] and all super beneficial to my life. It’s just hard to not have this feeling, like some little kidding is sitting on a stool observing the class who keeps pointing out where other classmates keep falling behind on their tasks at hand. Life and waiting through the process of it. There seems to be no natural sense of accomplishment or victory in the fact of how far I’ve been blessed to come.
There is no inclination to put myself on relax mode or a reminder popping up saying “Be easy on yourself”. I’ve actually increased my work rate and load during my work outs. The irony is now I feel like I’m being less efficient in that activity. This thought process happens constantly with me. It’s most difficult with my kid. I feel like such a shitty parent he lays in his crib awake for an hour before going to sleep. The thing is, when I get him out, he’s grumpy and fussy so to lay him down is his only option. My time with him is limited by his naps and my job every week. My schedule never really decreases, if anything things get added on to my ‘days off’. It sucks.
How do I know the ‘appropriate’ amount of time to make sure I’m spending face to face with my son while needing to take of other responsibilities that affect our household?
There is no scale for this! Any attempts I’ve had in asking this foolish question usually get turned around with making it about the quality of his and I’s time together. Yet, quality typically is measured by effort in my opinion…Can you tell I think about this a lot? No wonder I just feel exhausted some days.
For myself, this whole issue of how to allocate everything ‘correctly’ just ends up getting tossed on the plate of whatever Thing resides in the cosmos. It’s the only way I don’t lose my sanity over it. I think the aim for all of my effort is just to put the foot forward and continue to be willing to guidance. I know myself well enough, even if I didn’t have to go to work, work out, cook or read to know what I want to know there is no way the answer could reveal itself in the sense of it becoming black and white. The challenge is to grow with flow of time management and I push myself to make the decision I would regret most Not doing when the opportunity pops up. It use to be the choice of “well that’s a shit idea and that seems better” and its now upgraded to “well…which blessing would be most loving to participate in?”..Talk about luxury problems.
All in all, I think my higher power has my back with all of these little things I spend my time debating. So in essence, I can’t lose. Today, Im just gonna push myself to be the most present I can be and give my son thanks for being my miracle. Life is good, don’t sweat the thought, just embrace the action.