What I Never Wrote in Your Yearbook

What I Never Wrote in Your Yearbook
4/28/17

As soon as I met you, I knew you’d play an important role in my life. At the time, I had no idea what it would be. It is so tragic that we met at the final stage of our high school career. We have only known each other for such a short amount of time, but it feels like I’ve known you my entire life. It’s just that easy. You made it so easy for this philia love to blossom into something more.

I portray myself as such a closed off person. I pretend like the thought of giving and receiving love disgusts me. It’s unbelievable how far off from the truth that all is. I feel as if I have so much to offer someone. So much love, time, and effort of mine could be poured into one single human and I’d be happy for the rest of my days. You were the one person I could actually imagine giving all of myself to. Every time you planned out our pretend future as husband and wife, my imagination would run wild. Images of us living out the picture-perfect fantasy you entertained played through my mind all day. My heart still aches for the future me.

I had no clue my love for you was so obvious to everyone around us. I was still working through the details of how I felt. I was trying to convince myself that my love for you was an extreme case of friendship love. I thought I was just confusing that love for romantic love, but I was so wrong. Once I had realized that even when I was angry with you, I still loved you and cared for you, I knew I was done for. I knew this was the real thing. Once I stopped fighting my feelings, it was so easy to see how completely in love I was with you.

Throughout the course of our friendship, I had attempted to fall for other people. I had no idea why none of these relationship ventures didn’t work out. As soon as I realized what I felt for you, I reassessed those trials and found out where they went wrong. No one compared to you. No one could ever come close to being you. In my mind, you were the one I had been searching for all my life. You were that Great Love I was looking for in all the wrong people.

Falling for you was so easy and it never hurt. I had been hurt so many times before and it was refreshing to fall easily and gracefully. Is that why you didn’t want to test the waters of a relationship with me? I think you were so sure that true love wasn’t meant to be that way and you immediately turned down the love I had given you. Love is different for everyone, I know, but you have to open your mind to other loves. Your first love was difficult, but that doesn’t mean that your next one has to be just as hard to be just as great.

I still feel somewhat the same. Although, now, I feel emptier than the night I told you how I felt. Now that my feelings are out there, I feel as if you’re taking advantage of me. My love will never fade, you know that. I will never give up on you as a potential lover or even as a friend. That’s not what love is to me. I think you understand that and you’re pushing me to my limit to see how far my love will go. Do not turn me into your previous lovers. I am not them and I deserve better. All I’ve ever wanted was to grow with you. I’ll always love you more than you’ll ever know. More than you’ll ever be able to comprehend. My love for you could never be condensed into one type of love. I want to see you mature. I want to be by your side. I want to be all yours. Maybe one day you’ll gain some sense and realize you were wrong to never try. Right now, I feel as if you’d never admit to making a mistake. I’ll wait.

This is what I wanted to write in your yearbook. This is what had me so stressed out. I wanted to find the right words and I wanted them to be so honest that it hurt me to write it all out. This is as honest as it gets. I haven’t even read through this before hitting “publish”.

Happy Birthday.

With all the love in the world, 
 Thalia Cruz