A moment inside my crazy head
It’s 10:56 a.m. I crawl into bed and pull the covers up to my nose. I have only been awake for 3 hours, but the need for sleep consumes me so I give in to it. I tell myself it is my allergies making me so tired and worn out. But I know this is not the complete truth. The truth is that I have felt the burden of my depression getting the most of me lately. It has been creeping up on me slowly, getting tangled up within me, making me an emotional mess of self-pity, hatred, and worthlessness. I also think about what a rough night it was. Tossing and turning and not getting a good night’s sleep. It’s easy to use that as an excuse, too. Depression is exhausting. It can make you question every little bit of yourself, inside and out. It can strip you of any shred of confidence you have. It will knock down your self-worth right from under you. It wears you down, little by little, until you can’t bear to think about it anymore and hiding in your bed is the only way you can make it stop, if just for that moment when sleep finally does hit you and all those bad feelings and thoughts drift away. Now comes the anxiety. I start to overthink the current dilemmas in my life. Money, responsibilities, my children and their futures, love (or lack thereof), work, bills, my family, my dog. The list is endless. Luckily, this time I am too tired to deal with the anxieties today. Depression wins this battle. My dog jumps up on my bed. She sniffs the part of my face sticking out from the covers, then jumps down off my bed. I think to myself “she hates me, too” as I close my eyes. A few minutes later she jumps back up and curls up against my legs. I finally find comfort in that and drift away to a much needed sleep and a moment of peace from the constant battles within my head.
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