Hello Again, Darkness
It crept in so sneakily. Without invitation or reason. Slowly taking over every last bit of happiness I owned. It invaded my confidence. Took control of my thoughts. Gave me false reasons to worry. The fear took over so I gave in to it. It paralyzed me and made me never want to face the world again.
Hello again, Darkness. I see you have returned to me. So boldly, unabashedly, you found me.
I tried to hide from you. I tried to forget that I knew you. But you are a sly devil. You will always be there. Waiting in the shadows for just the right moment to strike. And when you do, you hit me hard. So hard, I feel physical pain. My heart aches and longs for a way to sever ties with you.
Darkness, you are my worst enemy and also, my best friend. You are always there.
I thought that this time would be different. That I would have a longer retreat from you. That you might take some pity on my broken, fragile soul. But you do not know pity, or empathy. You invade my private innermost secrets and thoughts, hopes and dreams. You make them ugly and worthless. You take the good thoughts away and put back the loathing, self-hating ones that I have tried so hard to forget. All those distant memories of failure that I have worked so hard to bury deep within. You make them fresh and new again, like deep bleeding cuts on the very surface of my being.
How long do you plan to stay this time, Darkness? A day, a week, a month?
Now that you are here, uninvited, invading what is mine, I will let you do what you came here to do. You will wear me down, break my spirit and make me hate myself, and everything around me. You will mentally and physically exhaust me to until I have to make the ultimate decision.
Should I fight you or do I give in to you? Should I surrender by embracing you, Darkness?
Eventually you will grow tired and decide to move on again. By then, I will be tired too, only so tired that I have almost given up and given in to what it is you want from me. That thing that I dare not think about. Maybe not this time, but I do fear that soon, one day, you will beat me. One day you will win, but not today. Not as long as I have it in me to fight. But maybe it is not a fight that you want. Have I misjudged you all this time? Maybe embracing you will not be what I have always feared it to be.
Maybe, there is a way to not only embrace you, but to become one with you. My best friend. My worst enemy. My Darkness.