Panicked

Here it comes. The anxiety. The ever looming cloud of darkness ready to pounce without the slightest bit of warning. It starts in my chest with a flutter. The thoughts come rushing in like a tornado…

I’ve made so many bad choices lately.

I’m unlovable.

I’ve failed so many times.

How am I going to get through the holidays.

How am I going to get through this week.

Has my standoffishness fucked things up again.

I don’t want to be alone on New Year’s Eve, which is also my birthday.

I can’t take another year like this.

My thoughts overwhelm me. I’m drowning in negativity and I can’t escape. My mind is a dark cage and it holds me prisoner. I feel so alone.

I usually embrace solitude, but moments like this terrify me. I wish someone was here to hold me, comfort me, tell me I’m going to be ok. But I am alone. You will always be alone.

I close my eyes. I know I have to get a grip on this. Breathe in. Breathe out. And again, breathe in and out. My heart is still fluttering. Count back from 10. Calm the fuck down.

My chest feels heavy. My thoughts run wild. My head is flooded with painful memories of failures and mistakes. Self loathing feelings of worthlessness consume me. I wish I could escape them. I wish I could escape me.

I turn off the lights and get into bed. I lay down next to my dog and hug her. She will help me and she doesn’t even know it. Even if I don’t have a real “person” to comfort me, she does. Close your eyes. Breathe. Calm down.

The thoughts will be there until sleep takes me away and brings me a reprieve. That is, if I’m lucky enough to find sleep tonight. Sleep will save me. Just close your eyes. Stop thinking! Drift away. Go to sleep.