What a day without depression feels like

Sabnam Thapa
Sep 9, 2018 · 3 min read

Peeking into the mind of a depressive

One morning you wake up, look yourself in the mirror and smile that beautiful smile. Assuring that angelic reflection of yours that everything is going to fall into its own place today. That your heavenly Rome is going to be built on this lovely day and you are worth it.

Turn on the cold side of tap water.

And.

Splash!

It feels so real after so many days.

Blood reaching every corner of your face.

You blush.

You feel fresh and beautiful.

Time for some Yoga maybe.

And then some healthy poached eggs, bread and sugarless tea.

Not the bitter, dark, that everyday coffee, you would need otherwise to get some adrenaline juiced up.

Cause this day feels like you should care about your skin.

And your health.

It feels like you want to exist.

Feels like your presence can do mystic Harry Potter’s unraveled magic to this world.

You are so upbeat.

You are so enthused about living that even Sia and Eminem cannot deny that you’ve guts over fear; that you’re not afraid.

Out your door and you feel like ‘Hey’-ing even to your neighbor’s pugnacious dog this day.

Cause today is the day where everything is alright, everything is okay.

Unlike every other day, when waking up exhausts you.

Existing in reality feels worthless, meaningless.

Breathing air feels heavy, walking tires you up.

People’s presence haunts you.

Their happiness steals a piece of your broken self and drops it somewhere deep inside the ice-cold ocean in Greenland. The weight above that piece so heavy you cannot even carry a simple fake smile on your lips.

Every stranger in the subway seems like they are mocking you. Your eyes avoid locking with anyone else’s. So, there you go, looking out the window.

Train moves fast and your mind slow wondering why you exist, what meaning your life holds.

Any outsider noticing you would mistake you as a peaceful and tranquil as you have a dead-face-zero-expression.

But, you know the truth. Your mind is racing with thoughts filled with pessimism and negativity.

Shifting to and fro the philosophies that “We are; made of atoms, and unique, so we should survive” to “We will die anyway, so what’s the meaning of life?”

And you hear someone on the train speak about a suicide on a railway track the day before.

Gives you a glimpse of how simply you could end your misery.

Thats when the voice starts in an unknown language summoning you towards the railway-tracks. Towards the depth of the sea water.

Towards somewhere in the deep space that you would vanish for life.

As if it is the only destiny of your life, a moment of blissful, eternal peace.

You feel like shutting the world out and locking yourself inside your dark room crying it out or expressing it to someone who would listen, curl up within arms of someone who would feel safe.

The thing is that no such person exists who would listen to you complain and whinge about life.

Cause this constant state of complaining happens not just today or yesterday but all the time.

Since suicide is a coward’s way as people put it, there’s no way out except one way: Crying out and exhausting yourself till the day your hormones all decide to boost you up and present in front of you one day like it is today.

That’s why today is the day you celebrate; where everything is alright, everything is okay.

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