What I Learnt When I Took My Son to Work

Taking my son to the office was not the plan. Little did I know that I would be the one learning the biggest lesson that day. There was a study day at school. Another one. Despite knowing the dates in advance somehow they always sneak up on me at inconvenient times.

On this particular occasion, I had a meeting at work that I could not miss and our regular babysitters were unavailable. Which meant that we were all out of options and he would have to come with me. Neither of us were thrilled by this.

Our office is a single, large working space, we don’t have separate meeting rooms. It was a long morning for him in a loud room full of people talking about things which are not interesting when you are only seven years old (By which I mean, if it’s not Pokemon, Star Wars, Ninjago etc. then in his world it cannot be of any importance).

With the help of books, snacks and a longer than normal amount of iPad time, we both survived the meeting. Afterwards, I took him out to lunch to say thank you for being so patient and well behaved. Once we had ordered, he asked me how I had got to be a “boss” with an office instead of working for somebody else like his Daddy does.

Who made you the boss?

I gave him the 7-year old appropriate version of how Amsterdam Mamas (my not-for-profit foundation) began when he was in my belly. How I was lonely, how I had so many questions, how I needed the help of mamas who knew more than I did about being a parent. I told him that I had found it really hard, living in a country away from my family and friends. We talked about what it was like when I did start making friends in the city, how it had changed everything for me and how I thought that maybe other mamas might feel the same way so I had started a quest (just like Pokemon) to gather all the mamas who wanted to be connected, together.

We chatted about how inspiring it felt like when other people joined with me and said, “yes, we need this too!” How over time other mamas came to help me and together we made the quest bigger and bigger until we felt that we had connected the whole city. I told him that we never wanted any mama or papa to feel like they didn’t have somewhere to go for information and support ever again. Eventually, I explained, our quest became so big that we needed an office to make sure we had somewhere to do all our work from and allow us to help as many parents as possible.

My son listened intently to everything and then he said,

“I’m really proud of you Mummy. You wanted to help people and so you made it happen. When I’m older I want to make something that helps people too and that will be my job.”

My work is often the thing I am doing when I am not spending time with my son. He doesn’t see very much of what I do. While it has been an intentional choice to remain present in the time that I am with him and to keep my work mostly separate, I had not understood that in doing so I was also not inviting him to share in a large part of my life. Work was this shadowy, vague concept for him. It was something that happened when he was at school or doing other things. Work was grown up stuff, not for him.

Why I do what I do

As we sat together, I realised that this spontaneous conversation over lunch was probably the first time we had talked not just about what I do, but also, more importantly, why I do it.

I wanted Amsterdam Mamas to make a difference, not just in my life but also in the lives of other people. I had never considered that while I was getting on with that work, my son would also grow up quietly watching me do it and that in doing so it would shape how he thinks about work and being of service to your community.

That day with my son shifted my thinking profoundly. While I still do not want work to steal time from my son, that initial conversation has now become an ongoing discussion of my work and his thoughts on it. I involve him in discussions about what I am doing and why. I ask him what he would do if he was in charge. I have vetoed more than a few unlimited computer time and all-you-can-eat chocolate suggestions.

The most important lesson

What I learnt during our conversation, was that we should never underestimate what our work is modelling for our children.

I know that as busy, working parents we are often tired, sometimes flat out exhausted trying to juggle everything. We want to be good at our jobs and the best parents possible. We constantly feel pulled in different directions trying to meet everyone’s needs, often putting our own needs last. We worry that we don’t spend enough time with our children, or that when we are with them we are not fully present because our minds are distracted by all the other roles we play. We forget that they are always watching, always absorbing and if we don’t give them all the information they need, they will fill in the blanks without us.

Inviting my son to be part of my working life has not just inspired him to look for opportunities to give back in the world, it has helped him to understand what I do when I am away from him, why I am often tired, how it might be an issue at work that might be making me seem distracted or short-tempered at home rather than it being his fault. He knows that his mama is human too. Our talks have opened up discussions about what he would like to see changed in the world and what it might take to make that happen. Having a parent who owns their own social enterprise and a parent who is more traditionally employed has also shown him that there is no single path to career satisfaction, he has options and permission to plot his own map. Sometimes he wants to be just like me, other days he wants to work with numbers all day, like his Dad.

How to talk to kids about work

If you would also like to start having these conversations with your kids, here are some of the questions we have used to get our discussions going and keep them rolling:

“What does mummy/daddy’s job when they go to work?”

“What do you think mummy/daddy does while they are at work?” — Beware, you may learn, as my husband did, that your child is under the impression that “Daddy has coffee with his friends all day”

“Would you like to have a boss or be the boss? Why is that?”

“What problem would you like to solve in the world? How would you start solving it?”

“If you could design your own office, what would it look like? Why are those things important to you?”

The hard truth is that when it is our time to go, we will not be leaving behind a perfect world for our children. They will face economic, political, societal and environmental challenges well after we have gone. They need our help to understand that work can be something positive in our lives not just something that leaves you tired, stressed and feeling like you’re never doing enough. It is a vital part of your life, not something to be hidden away.

Building a fulfilling career which helps them to make a contribution to society, allows them to sustain themselves and, if they are lucky, does enough good to change the world for others will be fundamental in knowing that we have left the world a little better than we found it for them.

Taking my son to the office seemed like such a small thing that day. I had no idea it would become one of my greatest parenting lessons.

Keep going, Mamas and Papas. We’re doing good work.