That Big Kid Ellen #87: Interpret my dreams
I’ve always had a weird relationship with dreams.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had pretty disturbing nightmares and very vivid, complex dreams. Most mornings, I wake up in the middle of a dream. As a really young kid, I would wake up from nightmares in the middle of the night, sweating or screaming, run out into the hallway, and yell for my mom until she would wake up. She would come back with me into my room and try to calm me down, rubbing my back or telling me a happier story until I fell back asleep. This probably continued until I was a young teenager, it was that bad.
I remember having some recurring dreams as well. One of the earliest ones started when I was about 4 years old. The dream was: I would walk into an old-fashioned theater, with thick, red curtains covering the stage. I would always take a seat, totally alone in the theater, and wait for the curtains to open, knowing that something terrible was going to appear.
The curtains would finally pull back and a giant T. rex would be standing on the stage, roaring and baring its teeth at me. It would start to walk slowly towards where I was sitting, and most nights, thankfully, I would wake up before anything else would happen. But some nights I wouldn’t wake up right away, and the T. rex would chase me as I ran around the theater. Although I was never really able to *run* from it — it was more of a trudging through mud. It was infuriating and made the nightmare worse.
At some point in elementary school, when the recurring nightmares were still pretty bad, I read somewhere that sometimes it was possible to change a dream as you were having it. The theory went that if you were able to remind yourself, in the dream, that it was all just a dream, even for a second, then the dream would change. I was young enough to not be intimidated by or suspicious of this suggestion, so I tried it out one night. I had the T. rex dream, but somehow, right when the curtains were opening, I was able to remind myself that it was just a dream and nothing more. When curtains pulled back, the T. rex was a cartoon character and he was juggling and laughing and totally un-terrifying. It was game-changing. I started lucid dreaming to get out many nightmares.
In middle school, I started to track and (loosely) interpret my dreams. I had a dream diary where I would quickly write down everything I could remember the minute that I woke up from a dream. Most had to do with the boys that I had crushes on (specifically the Hanson brothers, mmm bop 😉) or my extreme fear of failing at school. My interpretations were a bit of a stretch, but I later found a dream interpretation book that I would use to pick up on themes or hidden meanings. It became a hobby to mine my dreams for hidden gems and deeper meaning.
I kept up the practice for years, spotting hidden messages and trying to figure out what was really bothering me after having a dream about failing to dance with a mermaid or scaring a ghost while it was cooking (yes, both real dreams). One consistent theme that came up a lot was public restrooms. I had an exorbitant amount of dreams where I would try to go to the bathroom in a public restroom only to have the stall door missing. Or the toilet was in the middle of a busy room. Or the lid would be glued to the seat. All sorts of issues that would botch my attempts to pee.
Finally, in one dream, I found a stall with a door, a functioning lid, and total privacy. I remember starting to pee in the dream, overcome with joy and luck, and then immediately stopping mid-flow when something felt debilitatingly off. I woke up, in real life, and realized that I had peed myself. A lightbulb went off as I realized that all of those dreams of broken toilets had been saving myself from peeing my bed in real life. I started to see more connections to my dreams and to real life, and the dream interpretation became even more exciting, almost predictive.
Then, as a young adult, things went wild in a different way. I spent the summer when I was 17 in a remote village in Nicaragua, partaking in a service program informally deemed the “Peace Corps for high schoolers.” Back then, the recommended vaccination for malaria was a weekly pill of chloroquine for the entirety of the trip, so I was dosed the entire time I was there. There are some pretty bad side effects connected to the medication, two of which are nightmares and hallucinations. My nightmares were out of control and didn’t connect back to real life in any way, ranging from volcanoes exploding and burning me alive to men on motorcycles trying to run me over. I also remember sitting in a hammock, wide awake in the middle of a mountainous region, swearing up and down that I was someone on a lake in a canoe with a rabbit in my lap. My mind seemed to be slowly breaking.
When I went off to college, the intense dreams continued, and I had to try to figure out ways to self-soothe in the middle of the night when I would wake up from my increasingly twisted nightmares (lots of murders, rapes, kidnappings, etc.). I would lie awake and replay the terrifying dreams in my head until I became too afraid to ever fall back asleep. As embarrassing as this might be to admit, I discovered that there were two things I could do in the middle of the night that would calm my brain and get me back to sleep: I could turn on an episode of So You Think You Can Dance or I could stream soft-core porn. Both options could lull me back to a dreamless sleep. 😅
Fast forward to being a married adult. Before I took the plunge and got LASIK eye surgery, I was very, very blind and would often hallucinate spiders crawling down the wall while I was falling asleep, thoroughly freaking out my husband who had to jostle me awake and remind me that there was nothing there. However, if I had a bad dream in the middle of the night, I was thankful that I could just roll over, snuggle with my husband, and talk myself down from whatever had just been playing on the inside of my skull.
It’s been an odd ride, to say the least, when it comes to dreams. I went through a phase where I only had dreams about missing flights because I couldn’t remember how to pack a suitcase (usually before a big trip). Another phase of life had me dreaming about not knowing my class schedule and showing up late to everything (basically had these throughout all of grad school and even a little after graduation).
I used to think that my dreams were my subconscious telling me something important or even predicting the future, and that still might be the case with certain dreams or parts of dreams. But now I believe that my dreams are probably just an amalgamation of all of the things that my brain processes throughout the day, all folded up together into a Frankenstein’s monster-like mash-up. My dreams these days are primarily an eclectic mix of the TV shows that I watch and the books that I read. To give you an idea — I watch a lot of trashy reality TV and read a lot of sci-fi, fantasy, and romance novels. The combination creates so many hilariously, screwed up ideas for spin-off series!
So, what I thought I would do for this post was to capture one of my most recent dreams as best I can and then use a generic dream interpretation book to guess at the deeper meaning. Then, as I go through the book’s interpretation, I’ll give my own feedback and see if it matches up!
I woke up from an intricate dream a couple days ago, which I thought would be perfect for this post, and quickly transcribed as much of it as I could into the Notes app on my phone. Let’s start with that:
The Dream
I went to visit a friend of mine at their grad school campus. Something about the tour that they gave me left me with the impression that I was at UC Santa Cruz (which was once my dream school for PhD programs and was clearly on my mind as I read through the dream book that I had purchased in the same town).
We walked through a huge hallway that led to a large open space with classrooms on either side of us. They were enclosed with floor-to-ceiling panels of glass, and each room was equipped with a giant code box that you had to unlock to enter. Somehow I knew that only professors had the code to their classroom.
Even though the rooms were locked, because the walls were pure glass, I was able to look into each one. The classrooms had been built to resemble a redwood forest. Each classroom had a dense forest landscape against the back “wall,” and the tables and chairs were made of crudely whittled logs and wooden boards. The floors were covered in a dense layer of moss and native wildflowers. Each room appeared to be experiencing dusk-time lighting even though it was daylight in the hallway where I was standing. There were, however, twinkle light strung across all of the branches in each room to give them a very forest fairy vibe.
(This sounds nice so far, right?)
As the tour of the classrooms was finishing up, we came across the last room, and saw that it was full of people. I instinctually felt like something was amiss and I could tell that the people in the room were in danger. We frantically tried to guess the door code to unlock the door, but we were unable to do so.
I peered through the glass and saw that there was an older woman with white-blond hair in the middle of the room, casting spells that were turning people into animals. Suddenly, I found myself holding two eyeballs, one in each hand, and I knew that in order to vanquish the witch, I had to destroy the correct eyeball.
(This seems more on-brand for my dreams.)
The eyeballs looked almost identical, but I found a small indentation on one of them and knew that that was the correct eyeball to destroy, the one with a weakness. I crushed the eyeball as hard as I could in the palm of my hand, and watched as the witch withered away, reversing all of the spells that she had cast. The students looked back at me with huge, thankful eyes that quickly turned back into looks of terror as I turned around.
Killing the witch had unleashed all kinds of other creatures in each of the other classrooms, and they were all fighting against the students that had been inside each forest-scape. One room was full of futuristic, Samurai-like warriors with glowing swords that were fighting against a group of girls led by a female professor. I know there were other fights going on in the other classrooms, but for the life of me I can’t remember what else I saw.
One by one, the creatures were destroyed by students and professors, but I had a feeling that the biggest threat was yet to come. From the vantage point of the floor in the hallway, I looked up towards the ceiling and saw two giant creatures falling to the ground. One appeared to be robotic and the other almost cartoonish but furry. They were both, somehow, Bigfoots — one futuristic Bigfoot, one classic Bigfoot. And here’s the kicker — the traditional Bigfoot was also somehow my husband, Derek. It seemed to be his alter-ego.
(Oh boy!)
The two Bigfoots showed up for a battle royale in the middle of the hallway with all of the students and myself watching. I realized that I had a microphone in my ear and that my brother was at the other end of it, talking to me and telling me that the only way for Bigfoot Derek to win was if I put myself up as bait for Futuristic Bigfoot.
My brother had the ability to see one minute into the future, so he was giving me instructions on what to do and where to move so that I could distract Futuristic Bigfoot. It was as if he were playing a video game and I was the character that he was manipulating. I remember having a flower pot in my hand at one point, another instant I was wearing a yellow dress.
My brother was able to figure out the correct combination of moves that I needed to make in order to distract Futuristic Bigfoot (who at this point was just a giant robot with no resemblance to Bigfoot at all). When he was coming for me, Bigfoot Derek was able to attack him from behind and kill him. Doing so lifted whatever curse Derek was under and he appeared as his human self again.
The end.
So, yeah, that was literally all living in my head. And y’all, I have no idea where so much of it came from. I have some ideas about parts of it, but overall, Bigfoot really isn’t a part of my every day life. 🤷♀
Digging into the dream interpretation book, I pulled out a couple key themes that were present in the dream and what their supposed meanings are.
Epic dreams
The first part of this book describes different categories of dreams. The one that felt the closest for this dream was “epic.” The book explains, “When you have this kind of expansive dream, your dreaming mind is simply showcasing your potential or what is possible for you, because for some reason you aren’t yet experiencing it fully in your daily life.”
I do love this explanation of the grandeur and randomness of the dream. I’ve been doing a lot in my life to expand my creativity (this blog included), and I feel like I’m just scraping the surface on all of the fun, creative things that this life has to offer. It’s exciting that there are some epic stories living in my head as I explore my creative writing abilities.
Nature
Nature, specifically forests and trees, played a huge part in this dream. The books details, “Whenever nature or natural scenes appear in your dreams, this refers to instinctive or natural aspects of your character. In other words, it shines a light on your true essence or nature. Such dreams can also represent how down-to-earth or grounded you are, or simply be encouraging you to take time out to relax and focus on what is real and truly matters in your life.”
“Forests or woods in your dreams represent new possibilities and insights. Grass, green shoots, and leaves are all images of new ideas, renewal, and hope. Trees are universal symbols of spiritual growth and wisdom, so pay close attention to the condition of any trees in your dream.”
Whenever I have dreams about nature, it’s usually when I’m most out-of-touch with nature in my real life. I’ve felt a longing to be outside every day, but haven’t been able to fulfill that need recently because of a sprained ankle that I actually got during a hike. I feel a sense of impending doom (dramatic, but true) as the weather in Austin turns from acceptable into face-meltingly hot. It’s impossible for me to enjoy nature when it’s 100+ degrees outside.
The interpretation that there are new possibilities and new ideas in my life does give me hope. I have been trying out so many new things, creatively and otherwise, in the last couple of months. I have an exciting pilgrimage coming up in May that will take me through parts of Europe. Who else knows what lies ahead?!
Transformation
The transformation of my husband into this Bigfoot character was very intriguing to me. The book explains, “Change is a constant in our lives, so unsurprisingly our dreams often feature this theme. Dreams about transformation stress the importance of leaving the past behind so that the future can be let in.”
“Shape-shifter dreams are a sign of radical change happening in your waking life, and your dreaming mind is trying to help you deal with anxiety about these changes. Disguises or masks also suggest transformation, in that they have to be removed if you are to find out who you really are. Notice how natural or unnatural the transformation feel. Every change in our lives will involve both loss and gain, but it’s up to us whether it ultimately leads to positive or negative transformation.”
Since Derek was the one to transform in the dream, I’m going to assume this was all about him. And it fits, to be honest! My husband is going through huge life changes as he starts a brand new career in massage therapy. He has a new group of friends and will gain new co-workers. I think this dream dropped a pretty huge hint in my lap that I need to continue to support him in his journey and be aware of anxiety he might be feeling with all of the changes happening in his life. I don’t want him losing to that Futuristic Bigfoot!
Fantasy
Clearly this dream had fantasy written all over it. I will admit that I enjoy reading novels right before falling asleep and some of the most recent ones have been fantasy themed (highly recommend “The River Enchanted” and “The Cartographers”). Perhaps that’s where this all came from?
The book says, “Fantasy themes in dreams typically reveal your deepest desires, wishes, and fears. Their purpose is always to help you understand yourself and highlight both your strengths and your weaknesses so that you can heal, learn, and grow. If monsters or demons appear, these are uncomfortable aspects of yourself that you are struggling to deal with. This kind of dream tends to happen when you are considering a major life change or are about to do something you may regret.”
“Above all, fantasy dreams remind you that the true magic is hidden within you, and can be discovered in your waking life if you believe in your own potential and your ability to face your fears and learn from them.”
Aha! Now this is making more sense. Derek and I have been seriously looking into moving to California (Santa Cruz, specifically, duh). We are both pretty scared about what that could mean for our day-to-day life as the cost of living is very different from Texas. We know that the location / weather / style of living are all way more appealing to us (and we are very much over living in Austin), but it’s still daunting to leave a place where we’ve lived for about a decade. We have community here that we love, and uprooting our lives seems like a big risk.
But! The idea that the magic is hidden within me gives me hope that we can create the life that we truly want. I can garden year-round and grow the delicate and unique plants that would be murdered by the Texas heat. Derek could ride his bike to work and ride his bike in the redwood forests and ride his bike literally everywhere. I could spend my days outside, staring at the ocean, soaking in the sun that won’t leave me sweaty and miserable. This might be a romanticized version of the life we could have, but isn’t that the point? To create the magic in our waking lives?
How are you creating magic in your life?
