A financial advisor who makes about $600k a year told me that I intimidate him.
A man who has more life experience, more financial success, and more business acumen is intimidated by a woman half his age who can’t even make her monthly sales quota. Cue the raised eyebrow.
Life is weird like that sometimes.
My friends in grade school told me that I was scary. I wasn’t scary. I was adorable. Aggressive and driven, maybe, but not scary.
A few days ago, my mother and I were out shopping on Black Friday for some kitchen gadgets. She noted that some people looked at me like I was insane, staring and giving me dirty looks. I showered that morning and brushed my teeth, so I smelled okay.
I didn’t like the idea of being “scary” or “intimidating” at first. These words inaccurately described my core person. Assertive, confident, generous, and kind described me better. I analyzed myself in the mirror, thinking, “what on earth is intimidating about me?”
During college, I finally came to grips with being “intimidating” and even learned to twist it into a compliment, even if only in my own head. Professionals and other mature people didn’t think I was intimidating or scary, they saw me as confident and determined.
Being confident and self-assured intimidates weak people.
Weak people seek to tear you down because they’re not willing to elevate themselves and solve their problems that would improve their situation. I learned this with my friends in grade school, high school and some throughout college. I quickly outgrew them, even if they still try to keep me around.
Being confident and self-assured means that you’re (mostly) immune to the exploitation and influence of others who undervalue you because you reinforce your boundaries.
Understanding myself and the people that I attract helped me sort through those that mattered and those that wanted to benefit from me.
I notice that I attract people with, what I would consider, serious problems: they smoke and want to quit; they might have a drinking problem; they feel underdeveloped as a person because they haven’t had sex and they’re 23; they have concealed entitlement issues and handle rejection horribly; they have marriage problems; they have family problems; the list goes on and on.
They see me as this person that will be the anchor in solving their problems. Conceited? Maybe. But my interactions with them and how weirdly desperate certain people tried to keep me in their life tells me otherwise.
Example:
Let’s go to the guy that wanted to quit smoking. I went on one date with him, not realizing that he smoked. I left with the intention that I wouldn’t see him again. My dad was a smoker, diagnosed with lung cancer 5 years ago. Seeing my dad go through all of that and still struggle today makes smoking a deal-breaker for me. It’s my #1 deal-breaker next to respectful.
When I told him that this was a deal-breaker and that I wasn’t interested in going out with him again, he launches into this soliloquy about how he wants to quit but his life is tough because he’s going to school full-time and then working as a delivery driver in Manhattan.
“I’ll quit, I just need you to stick around and support me,” he said.
Pump the brakes, junior, we had ONE date.
I can’t make this up. I know some of you might not believe me, and that’s okay. This is, however, a pattern I noticed in romantic relationships and friendships. It’s usually hidden from view, but the fatal flaw eventually reveals itself, usually in the form of rearing an ugly head.
With this person, however, setting my boundaries and knowing what I wanted intimidated him. He didn’t want to continue dating me simply to get to know me; he wanted a beacon in the night and a guide through smoking cessation. He wanted a reward for all his hard work.
I would not take on the responsibility of another’s journey, nor would I allow their success to depend on me.
Protect your energy; good things are coming.
Being so assured and confident that everything you want is coming to you that you don’t settle is the greatest thing you can do for yourself. You’ll recognize when it comes to you.
If you’re working hard to improve yourself, working through the healing that’s needed, and you’re growing, rest easy knowing that everything good is coming to you. You will upset and intimidate others when you show confidence, self-assuredness, and set boundaries.
The Universe will test you. Challenges will push you to the brink. Don’t give up. You can’t add pure energy to your life if you’re full of some black gunky crap.
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