He’s too nice

A coworker once told me that I like them “rough around the edges” and that that was what my type was. Let me just tell you, he is NOT rough around the edges.

He is perfect. The list of his pros just says it all. He’s amazingly sweet: he came to my door and met my parents on our first date. He opens car doors for me. He lets me control the radio (thank god because he listens to country). He pays for me even after I tell him not to. Every time he picks me up, he tells me how pretty I look. He genuinely cares about how my day was when he asks and he actually asks in the first place. He’s seriously just too nice. I’ve never had a guy treat me as good as he does. I know that sounds bad and I’m not saying that other guys treat me badly (even though some have) but it’s a bit different having someone act this way. Honestly all I want for someone to make me smile and he does make smile a lot but it’s different because its not in the that I want. I’m not a huge romantic, I seem to be a very modern romance type person. Do cute shit with me but also fuck me vigorously and tell me my ass is fat, ya know? He makes me smile but I just feel like it’s not in the way I want it to be. He’s the type to smile at me and tell me I’m beautiful while I’m standing in the kitchen half naked, not the type to come up and grab my ass and tell me I’m sexy. Don’t get me wrong, I would love both but he wouldn’t do both. He would stick to old time romantics. He’s too nice.

He drives a stick and puts his hand on my thigh when we’re in the car like are you kidding me. He’s so hot and it’s really hard not to be attracted to him. The difficult thing about all of this is that I’m really trying not to be myself and not lead him on since he’s really not my type and I’m am just so conflicted about my feelings for him. Part of it might be the fact that I haven’t had sex in 5 months and I’m extremely on edge when it comes to sexual encounters. I just don’t want to hurt him and get too into the relationship especially before school starts. Being in a relationship during school is a huge no for me because I’m trying to work on school and only school and get shit done. I would love to be in a realtionship with him but it wouldn’;t be fair to him. Right now I just dont know how I feel and I’m scared if it gets too serious too fast, I would be ;eading him on. I want to keep sex out of it until we’re serious but it’s so goddamn hard because he’s so attractive and I’m deprived. Sos I need serious therapy. I also don’t think he really knows what he’s getting himself into. He said something about the amount of people Carly had slept with the other day but I know for a fact I’ve slept with mor epeople and I think deep down he knows that but if he heard all my stories and experiences, I feel like he might run in the other direction.

Honestly, I think I like the idea of him more than anything at this point. My life is just too messy to have someone like him come into it. I’ve ruined a lot of good people and I hate to admit it, but I really have. I’m not proud of it and half the time, I didn’t even realize what was happening until it was too late. He could make me happy but only for a short period of time. Real issues would start to come up and then if sex is brought into the picture, it could get seriously ugly. Also, the fact that he’s only slept with one other girl means that he probably values sex and thinks feelings need to be involved or whatever. Basically, the opposite of what I think. i couldn’t do that to him. I would probably cause some emotional damage. Right now, I’m too selfish to end it. I have a feeling it will end in it’s own when we stop seeing each other at work and school starts. But WHO KNOWS.

Okay so I started writing this a long time ago and guess what!!! I called it quits and it’s over. I was a bitch about it, he was a pussy about it but does any of that surprise you?

Josh is back, he’s a drunk dick. Drew is back and his dick is reallll nice. I’m back at my apartment living on my own, my roommate’s weird but she keeps to herself so that’s good. I miss Baylee and Jill so that fucking sucks. I want to squeeze my dog and watch Greys. I want 10 gallons of ice cream. FUCK MY LIFE lmao.