I turn 30 today, and it’s not as bad as I thought
Jul 27, 2017 · 3 min read
Today is my birthday, and nothing about my life is how I thought it was going to be when I was 15.
To help me process through what feels like an utter self-failure, I’m going to write out 15 things I thought I would be today, and the 15 things I actually am.
These will be my thirty truths: fifteen truths of what I thought success was, and my fifteen truths of what I know success is now.
What I thought I would be
- Married somewhere between 5 and 8 years
- Skinny, slim, trim, healthy, fit (whatever adjective is the least offensive way to say “not fat”)
- At least 5 years deep into a career path
- A college graduate with at least a Bachelor’s, preferably a Master’s
- Renter of a fabulous apartment with decor worthy of a spread in Domino (I was surprisingly obsessed with interior design at 15)
- Meticulously organized
- Working in public relations
- Debt-free
- Owning a dog (or two)
- Self-confident and sexually-assured (I mean, what teenager doesn’t dream of being a sexpot adult)
- Attending dinner parties that ended with sipping red wine and discussing politics in-depth
- A reader of “smart” books that I would discuss end depth in book club(s). Yeah, probably plural
- Amongst a friend group of well-connected “important” people
- Influential to society
- “Somebody” — the ever elusive and undefinable descriptor of people that seem cooler than you
What I actually am
- Engaged to a wonderful man that I will have been with 6 years on our wedding day
- I’m still overweight but that’s ok. I’m not as healthy as I could be but I’m working towards being healthier, and that’s what’s important.
- As of this July, I’ve been working in marketing in some sort of capacity for three years. If you count the two years prior that I self-educated myself (rather obsessively I may add), that’s five years. Not too shabby if I do say so myself
- I never got a Bachelor’s. I did get two Associate’s, and two courses shy of a third. I do desire to go back to school. I want to study so many things, but they’re all very graduate school specific: Data Visualization, Strategic Design and Management, Business Organization and Management, Organizational Behavior, Behavioral Marketing. I guess I should get an undergrad so I can pursue the things that actually interest me.
- My apartment is definitely not fabulous, but my interiors are becoming Insta-worthy. That’s good enough for me.
- I’ve since learned that being organized is a lifestyle process. It’s an on-going, habitual activity. And I’m still developing that process for myself.
- I’m in marketing, which is the “new” public relations, so yeah, I did do that.
- Debt-free? Bahahaha oh how little did I understand the economics of the world then. That aspiration was too much. Poor naive 15-year-old me.
- I can’t afford a dog (see previous number), yet. But I plan on it. I have a game plan. That’s good enough for now.
- Self-confidence is not something that comes naturally to me, and probably never will. I know now that that’s common, and normal. As far as my sex-life, that’s nunya business.
- I’ve always enjoyed talking about politics. What 15-year-old me didn’t understand is in American culture, that’s a divisive topic affecting entire relationships. We Americans see a person’s political stance as a reflection of who they are as a person. That’s why so many of us don’t discuss it openly; it’s a vulnerable place open to judgment.
- I read “smart” books. I also read dumb books. I don’t judge books for their content anymore. The act of reading and gathering that new information is precious, regardless of the value of the content. It’s precious in that it’s someone else’s perspective, which we rarely get to see.
- Having well-connected and “important” friends is superficial and a terrible goal. I’m glad that no longer matters to me.
- Everyone is influential to society by being a part of it.
- I don’t need to be “somebody.” I am someone. I am me.
I’m better off than I thought I would be.
I value different things now. I’ve changed and gone against somethings I never thought I would. That’s a good thing; it’s a sign of growth.
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself; I am large — I contain multitudes.” — Walt Whitman
