Infinity inside the Zero

Remembering my Dad

So today was 7 years since my Dadso headed off on infinite new adventures into the afterlife.

I was reminded by the family whatsapp chat that today was in fact the 16th of August and then I was shocked because I couldn’t believe how I hadn’t actively thought about my dad in such a long time. I felt ashamed at first but then I remembered that sometimes the busy-ness of life is what it is. Sometimes its all we have. Sometimes life requires immersion.

Later I remembered that I do in fact think about Him often. I think about Him in traffic, or when a song plays on the radio, when Shanna and I jam on the guitar or when I see my nephew Jibrael just being his beautiful little self; I think about him when I’m at my lowest and when I’m at my highest.

I started to think about who he was. And how he was so many things.

My dad was so ahead of his time and he was so many very different things. He was so layered and complex and not at all what you would expect if you met him. I mean he was CA and in corporate all his life and yet he was a. ‘smoker’. But he was a also serious cyclist who was also a rock n rolla. He claimed to be an atheist and his life mantra was ‘efficiency’. I think maybe he was a tiny bit of an emotional retardo (EQ wise but maybe all men of his generation were of that ilk), but he was also this amazingly caring, gentle and quiet man with a wicked sense of humour. He was sometimes harsh and sometimes surprisingly soft.

I remember driving with him somewhere or other in Pmb as a boy and at some random point he would just reach over and hold my hand in silence.

One of my school friends reminded me recently, that my dad used to lean over and kiss us goodbye in the car when he dropped us off at school.

When I was overwrought over some girl, he would just tell me to stop whining and stop being an idiot. And when something truly bad happened he would answer my call and somehow make me feel like everything would be ok.

I never knew or understood it then. Because the version of superheroes I bought into at that time didn’t look and feel like my dad. But as I grew up I understood more and more. With each day I worked and tried to build my life I was filled with awe at how he had built his life. How hard he worked. For his family. How he and my mum had so little and built so much. And more than anything they instilled love in us. For one another.

I know it now that my dad was always my hero. He still is.

So, 7 years later popsicle, I hope you’re enjoying the infinity inside the zero. I love you and I miss you. But I know you see all of this…

And the older I get, the more of you I see.