Like everyone else, I hoped, I hoped with all of my heart that I would have a steady start to the year. I was so wrong!
Sad, pretentious, betrayed, sometimes emotionless has been my semi-permanent state of being lately. Last 2 months were the worst. I ate just one meal a day. For the first time in my 30 years of existence I dint shower for 3 consecutive days. I dint answer any friend’s call. The moment I would gather courage to pull myself together, there was someone who stared at me from a corner convincing me to get back to uncertainty. 'Worthless’, 'inferior’, 'good-for nothing’, 'loser’, were all the dictums I knew by heart. I had no routine. I can’t recollect how I spent those days. Sigh! Are you expecting me to say 'Things are all ok now?' NO. They are not. But I want it to get better. I swear it’s getting harder and harder to be an optimist. I won’t quit. I won’t quit. I won’t quit. I am slowly, slowly, very slowly arranging my life. It’s like I know what I want the painting to look like, then I realise I don’t know how to paint. But I am trying and I won’t quit.
I have been through this phase before. Several times. And recovered. And I am quite certain, this time too, I will and I can recover. I want to try this concept called 'opening up’. Writing it down, sharing it. It helps. I read a blog where the blogger penned down his thoughts. Similar thoughts. That’s when I knew there is comfort in knowing that others feel the same. I’m posting this here in case anyone else is going through something like this too. You’re not alone! Don’t give in. Until you change your thinking, you will always recycle your experience. Start loving yourself. It is difficult, but it’s the only way. Slay your demons. Don’t just slay your demons, cut them open and figure out what they have been feeding on! Don’t give in. I won’t and you shouldn’t too!