This is an open-and-shut case of the Christmas elites gagging an artist.

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Photo by Barry Plott from Pexels

I plead not guilty to the charges of resisting arrest at my front yard’s festive scene. Your honor, as I have rejected a court-appointed attorney, I will read my defense to the court.

Would the jury please turn their attention to Photograph A, in which you will see my bungalow’s front yard has been turned into one sweet-ass canvas.

Let me start by objecting to the First Lutheran Church’s statement that the “sheet of literally thousands of piercing white lights measures 40,000 lumens” is “an impediment to worship” on the grounds that all canvases are white, and mine represents snow.

Move fast and break things.

Move fast and ship an incomplete, untested, partially broken thing.

Move fast and ship hot fixes for said thing.

Move front-end to React and break everything.

Move into cruise-control as acquisition approved, sign things.

Move into new office and break things.

Move fast and break one part of a monolithic thing.

Move fastish and break a few lesser important things.

Move into a ‘more strategic role’ and use the wheely whiteboard thing.

Move to cash out your option things.

Move into a new house and hire movers who break things.

Move through 30 rounds of…

The following email has been automatically translated into Socially Anxious English by your overactive mind.

Hi there,

Hope you had an enjoyable vacation.
I don’t mean this. I have no well wishes for you.

Do you have any time this week or next for a quick chat?
My time is important to me, and unlike L’Oreal, you aren’t worth it. I’ve allocated 30 minutes where I’ll point out the most burdensome of your flaws.

I thought it’d be an excellent chance to debrief the last 12 months. To me, you are like poor man’s Ivan the Terrible — having a…

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I made Charlotte cry at her desk again because I’m such a strong leader.

Yesterday, David slammed his laptop shut and stormed out of a meeting with me, mumbling something about a maniacal sociopath through his sobbing. I’ve never had such a productive week! Kim Scott would be so fucking proud.

Her book Radical Candor is like the Bible to me. It’s like Fountainhead to a Googler. It taught me to say whatever I think, right when I’m thinking it. Fuck everyone’s feelings! Feelings are emotions and emotions are evolutionary relics like male nipples or the female clitoris — useless.

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Hi, I’m Phil Schiller, SVP Worldwide Marketing for Apple. I first joined the company in 1987, so I know a thing or three about making far-out products for all you cool dudes and dudettes.

You’ll be dialed to discover how well HomePod understands natural language. We programmed a few that are just downright funsies.

  1. I’ve been jonesing for some coolness, sock it to me, HomePod!
  2. How does a dead-hoofer like me get some ear-candy in here?
  3. Spin me something spiffylicious!
  4. Spit a new rap singer of your choosing!
  5. I’ve got some Bieberholics coming over later, find me a playlist that’s…

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There’s not much difference between a wedding registry and a failed health vlogger’s Craigslist sale; a list of barely useful kitchenware built primarily to be Instagrammed and filtered in Valencia.

But not my friend Max’s. Not this time.

Of course, this isn’t his first registry rodeo. Or second. So there were some noticable differences.

The first was the header image. He’d still gone with the wedding industry standard of a ‘lovers in a cornfield’, despite it being a minefield for his celiac spouse.

As Max says “If it’s not broken, or even if it is, why fix it?”

The only…

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  1. Load people underneath with the luggage. Bonus: people get to ride on the carousel on the way out. Kids would love it.
  2. Oversell the seats, literally. Remove all the seats and put them on Etsy for a coffeeshop that’s probably in Portland to buy. Tell everyone to just sit on beanbags and chill.
  3. Sit extra passengers in the pilots seat. My friend says that planes basically fly themselves these days anyway. Let people ride upfront. Bonus: give them a cool hat!
  4. Heavily sedate all the passengers. You wouldn’t even need to put them through security, have seats, snacks or staff…

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Meetings are like tantric sex where you hold back rage instead of orgasm.

Become an expert at disagreeing with people you don’t like and learn how to hold a meeting like a rockstar with these 6 tips.

1. Be AT LEAST Two Hours Late

One hour late is on time in lots of cultures. Avoid looking laid back or cultured by being at least two hours late.

Insist the meeting hasn’t started until you arrive. The meeting already happened? It can’t have, because I’m not fucking here, yeah? Start it again.

2. Bark Questions At The Audience

How are we doing Miami?! I. CAN’T. HEAR. YOU!

Some nobody: Sorry I was on mute…

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You’ve been making a big mistake this whole time.

Do you STILL think men are just humans with a desire for companionship, family and a fulfilling life shared with somebody they feel a deep emotional connection?


Men are the pussy grabbing leaders of the free world; they don’t care about values and stability, they just need their senses dazzled.

Here’s how to get him to notice you with one elaborate trick.


For the past 7 months the TV has been saying the same few things, and frankly I’m sick of it. It’s all “Netflix recommends Forgetting Sarah Marshall” or “There is an update file for your PS4” or “No signal via HDMI 1”.

It’s time for one of us to speak up, and seeing as I’m not hearing anything from any of you, I think it better be me. Here goes.

Who the hell is this Trump (sp?) guy?

There, I said it.

The grocery guy came yesterday and said “inauguration at home?”

Ha! Is he serious?!

I’ve never worked in…

Matthew Reeves

Classically trained internet user. Fashionably late adopter.

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