Why I loved being a paramedic: the aftermath

When I was a paramedic, I knew I was making a difference. I could see it every day in the families I tried to comfort, the kids I made laugh or the hands I held. But as I progressed in my career, I discovered that I wasn’t built to handle the emotional devastation that came with the job title. I was plagued by traumatic memories, haunted by things only heard of in nightmares and left angry at what seemed like the pointless suffering of others.

When I was a paramedic, I made a difference. It’s been well over a year since I had that sense of fulfillment. So, now what? I’ve been struggling with this for a long time. How do I make the lives of everyone around me better?

I don’t know.

I’ve always wanted to create change through my writing. But doesn’t everyone? It’s nearly impossible to stand out from the crowd nowadays. Everyone boasts a unique perspective; it’s easy to drown your own voice in the millions of others yelling to be heard. How do I make a difference?

I don’t know.

I may not have all of the answers, and I’ll never claim to have them. I don’t know why we suffer, why we die or why we break down. I don’t know why I panic when I hear sirens, why my heart races or why I can’t get rid of their faces behind my eyes. But I do know that we can help each other.

My hopes and dreams are to use the power of language to heal hearts, mend broken souls and cure whatever may be ailing their spirits. I want to dissect humanity’s fears, and let every single person know that we are in this together. We are not alone. I want to make an impact on the world, make it a better place, no matter what vocation I choose. Maybe, if there’s a little less suffering in the world, we can all love each other a little more.

I’ve often questioned if I did the right thing, leaving my uniform and my badge behind. What if there was one more person I could’ve saved? One more family I could’ve comforted? One more hand I could’ve held? But then again, there’s more than one way to achieve anything. There’s gotta be another way to make the world a softer place…right?

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