Soul Mate Or Soul Crusher? 10 Tests To Pick Your Mate

Before making any major purchase, consumers are told to shop around. It is important to test drive several vehicles before you make a deal. You should always look for the best price on electronics, but never sacrifice tech-necessities in the process. One thing that can be very difficult to decide, is if you are with the one you should marry. Marriage is the most expensive purchase you will ever make, next to having children of course.

Prepping for marriage can be tough. How can you determine if you are really ready to take the plunge? How do you know if the person sitting next to you on the couch, is really “The one? ” Your happily ever after?

I think you should test them. WHAT? That’s right! I think you should test your mate to see how they will really react in certain situations. People are like animals, you never know how they are going to behave. Below is a list of 10 trial runs for your perfect match.

10 “Tests” to determine if you have chosen the right mate.

1. Forget to pay the water or power bill:

Nothing is more inconvenient then having your water or power shut off. You can’t cook, take a shower, watch t.v, it is super annoying. Especially since you could have created the problem. If your mate says, “Babe, these things happen” you have a gem. If they flip their shit and call you up screaming like Taraji P. Henson, you may need to continue down the list.

2. Go to Ikea:

I love Ikea, but that place can spell disaster for a couple. It’s all fun and games while you are picking out glassware and shelving, but once you make it to the warehouse level, shit is gonna get real. Tell your mate to use the restroom or get a drink. While they are away, take the list and mark off a bunch of items you don’t really want. When they get back, watch their expression while they look up and down the aisle for the items. Ikea’s warehouse can be as painful as a massive set of hemorrhoids. If they sweetly ask why you have added a “Karfumkin” to the list, you are golden. If they tell you to shove said “Karfumkin” up your ass, continue down this list.

3. Complete a project:

I am almost positive that there is no better test of a relationship then a renovation or construction project. Tackle something small at first, perhaps a bookshelf. But to make it interesting, take out the packet of screws and doohickeys that come with the shelf and hide them. Watch as your mate attempts to put the shelf together, then act shocked as to where those pesky screws have gone. If they run to Home Depot to pick up new screws, you are golden. If they throw the bookshelf out the window, keep moving down the list.

4. Pet-sit for a sickly animal:

I can usually size up a person in 30 seconds. I like to see how people interact with animals, it speaks volumes. Pet sit for someone who has a urinary or fecal incontinent pet. Watching someone step in shit is a real eye opener. If they slip in a puddle of pee, or step on a hot tootsie roll and clean it up, Heaven has sent you an angle. If they track the shit and piss through the house screaming and tell you to clean it up, keep moving through this list.

5. Take the oldest person you know shopping:

If you have an elderly grandparent or know someone who does, borrow them and take them shopping. Be sure to watch the facial expressions of your mate while in the store. Shopping with an elderly person who asks a million questions, takes multiple bathroom breaks, and constantly needs a snack, will show you how your mate will interact with children. Look to see if your mate is annoyed or amused. If they are hot under the collar, keep moving.

6. Dent their car:

Don’t really dent their car, but say you think you may have dented the car. Call them up and explain that you had a minor fender bender with a light pole, and listen to the tone and pitch of their voice. If their first question is, “Are you OK?” Your mate is thinking of you first. If they ask, “How is the car?” you have more work to do.

7. Offer to go to the grocery store:

Tell your mate that you will go the grocery shopping and ask them for a specific list. Tell them to write down the exact brands and items that they want. Then, go to the store and buy none of them, or buy the fat-free or light version. Take all of the items home and ask them to help you put the groceries away. If they say, “Why did you buy me fat-free yogurt? I hate this shit! Go back to the store!” You are gonna wanna keep moving down the list. If they ignore your mistakes, you might have a dream boat.

8. Weekend Get-Away:

Plan a weekend away and invite your parents, but don’t tell your mate. The night before you leave while you are packing, let them know that your parents will be coming on the trip. If they fly off the handle and ignite like Chinese fireworks on the 4th of July, you have a lot of work ahead of you. If they bite their tongue and continue to pack, you have been blessed. * If major tension exists between your mate and the future in-laws, pack large quantities of alcohol.

9. Get a cat/dog:

Many people have said that owing a pet prior to having children is a good way to prepare. Those people are wrong, it is nothing like having a child. However, owning a pet will tell you a ton about your mate. Ask them what type of pet they would like to get. If they are a dog person, buy a cat. If they continue to hang around even though there is a cat in the house, they are a saint. If they react like Chernobyl, back up.

10. Propose Marriage:

Don’t get on one knee just yet, simply ask their thoughts on marriage and the future. Once you have said, “Do you want to get married, like to me?” look deeply into their eyes. Look for the sweats, the shakes, darting eyes, racing heartbeat, foot tapping, or any other sign that they are getting ready to crawl out of their skin to run away. If they are simply looking right back at you, and they begin a conversation, you might have found the one.

Some may say that testing someone is inhumane and disgusting, however sometimes so is marriage. The best way to find out anything is to test the limits. Good luck!

Originally published at thatsinappropriate.com on September 22, 2015.