Traversing my Body’s Senses

This morning I thought I might be coming down with a cold. You know that dense fatigued feeling you can get when your body seems heavy with a desire to slow down and focus inward. Even with this invitation, I typically try to turn my attention away from that heightened awareness. My belief seems to be that by not giving the feeling any energy it will keep it from existing, or at least flourishing. Today I decided instead to investigate the sensations and explore them more deeply. What do they really feel like?

I am intrigued by the idea of traversing my body’s senses with curiosity rather than with frustration or denial.

As I scan, and notice the sensations in each part, it occurs to me that I am actually listening to my body speak to me. It has been speaking to me for years, often loudly, and I have often been dismissive and annoyed. Would I do that to a friend? Or to a child? Would I do that to myself? Evidently I have been doing it, consistently and sometimes completely, for most of my life. This is my beloved self, perhaps the self whom I have not considered beloved for a long time before this moment.

This realization, of what I have ignored, of what I have missed, shocks me. I sit with this shock for a bit. What does shock feel like? Where do I feel THAT in my body?

What else have I been missing? What else have I not paid attention to, often with harshness and disdain? Almost….everything.

I weep.