“They’re good people”

You know that phrase: “They’re good people” ?

I always hated that one.

I know, I know, it’s meant to describe the good vibes you pick up from a person.

But to me, it always sounded like there was some rulebook with a very specific definition of what it means to “be a good person.”

And I don’t think there’s any one definition. In fact, I know there isn’t.

However — we get programmed that there is a definition.

Like, you’re supposed to know “good people” when you see them because they’re:

- kind
- compassionate
- supportive of you
- open minded
- non-violent
- loving

… and the list goes on.

But the problem with this list isn’t the things on it — it’s the subjective perspective we inherently give to these qualities.

And in this case the problem is actually the solution. Because our subjective perspectives are what create the art that is US.

For example, if I go to the store and I’ve just had a really shitty day that I’m fucking reeling from, and I run into someone I know: it’s very possible I won’t have the capacity to show up as any of the aforementioned qualities as according to that person.

Maybe I’m not responding with a smile. Maybe I’m not able to have empathy in the moment because I’m so taxed and I end up saying something that triggers the other person. Maybe my energy is just in discord at the moment, and I despise making small talk to try to connect.

Does that mean I’m not a “good person” or “good people”?

Fuck no.

Being a “good person” has nothing to do with what the other person thinks of you.

Being a “good person”, to me, used to encompass trying to manipulate other people’s point of view of me by “playing my cards right”. It used to mean sacrificing my own capacity to show up in ways I thought other people wanted me to be. Sometimes I even thought I was “saving” them with my own self-sacrifice.

In essence, my old definition of being a “good person” ended up becoming my prison. It ended up harming the fuck out of me.

So I decided to scrap it. And this switch has made all the difference in me showing up as an even better version of myself. More heart-centered, more generous, more kind. Because when I actually show up as those things — I mean it. And there’s a different quality behind someone who shows up as kind and actually means it vs showing up kind just to try and be “good people.”

Am I perfect at it? Of course not.

But I’m a helluva lot better at practicing honestly being there for myself and my capacity than I was just two years ago, which leads to me being a better me.

Is it uncomfortable AF sometimes to say “no” when my inner, recovering people pleasing narrative is screaming “Just say yes! It’ll be easier for all of us!!!” — ? You betcha. But I’ve given myself so many unintentional cuts that turned into a gaping inner wound from those yes’s, that I’m just over it now.

I’m no longer willing to harm myself for someone else’s perceived benefit.

(key word here: perceived. We really have no idea how our actions affect another. We aren’t — ahem — THEM. Plus: their reaction to us is actually none of our business. It’s truly their own process that they get to go through).

For me, what’s helped with this switch is, of course, learning to navigate the ups and downs of feelings (which I never shut up about).

As well as shifting my definition of what I think a “good person” is.

To me, a “good person” now is simply someone who honestly honors themselves from their heart, first. In my current belief structure, I don’t believe someone can give love that they aren’t first giving to themselves.

And because we’re truly only responsible for our one corner of the universe (this piece of fleshy, mixed-medium art we call a body, mind & soul): the way we treat it directly effects every other corner of our outer reality.

And not everyone is going to think it’s “good people”.

Because they just have a different definition of what “good people” means to them, at this point along their path.

And that’s OK.

Because that is their inherent, artistic opinion expressed within a different medium that perhaps I prefer not to play with.

And that’s OK too.

Love you,

Jess

PS: A similar but different quick IG post I did about flattery you can find here.

PPS: Are you timeline jumping-curious? Life coaching-curious? Then travel over here and check out two ways to work together. Dont take my word for it — see what other empowered empaths have to say about doing this work↴

“I highly recommend the life mentoring sessions offered by Jess, since they allowed me to see life in a more positive way, so I can believe and work to achieve my dreams.”
- Miguel Traverso