I’m Sorry I Wasn’t A Better Dom
Saying goodbye to the woman you love more than any woman you’ve ever known isn’t easy.
Add to it the dynamic of D/s bond, where you as the Dom are expected to make the responsible relationship decision for you both, even if it means separation. Pile on the memories, be it the physical union or just the time spent talking, journaling, tasking or whatever.
Now add in my unique situation, with the public presence of my innermost thoughts, her as my muse, and she has to relive all these memories all over again, every goddamn fucking day.
The tremendous guilt I feel for saying the things I’ve felt inside, all which were honest, heartfelt, and true. All the words spread out for her to absorb, just lifted from me without ever really trying very hard.
And I guess I can see why I’m writing this right now.
I never knew before meeting you that I could find the depths of myself that I found, through you, as we dove as deep as two people ever have in the feeling of each other.
Words expressed as these ones are, as I cannot filter even myself now, when it comes to you, recounting the words of telling you each and every day, that you are — the center of my world.
That I Love You — without condition.
That I understand you, at the deepest level of who you are and even when there is conflict, I know exactly where you are coming from. Even those moments when you think I don’t know what you are trying to say, like this morning, I knew everything, even though I resisted it.
Listening to you and your beautiful mind has been such an honor. I feel bad for you, that you had found me. You never knew way back then that this was a possibility, having to feel the forced distance we decided was the best path, yet still reliving through it every day through hundreds of posts directed at you. Or the Asks that come in, when I crack some lame joke, and you feel the humor only you really know well, all while answering a question, and you sense me in our day of leave.
I’m just so deeply sorry — that I couldn’t have been a better Dom to you.
You deserved better, and I failed you.
I was weak and held you close when I should have released you. I think I just was so in love with you, but I should have been stronger.
To allow you to you to be and keep the words away from your eyes. I could have kept writing nothingness, or just walked away from it all. Left you with an empty link, so that all those words would stop haunting you, but you begged me not to, and I could never say “No” to you.
This is what I mean when I say, I just wish I would have been better to you.
Some random guy — not the guy with the words.
But I wonder, would he have opened up your heart as I did? I wonder, would you have fallen, so hard, without the words? I guess it doesn’t matter now, as I am so full of a feeling being blessed, yet also one of being disappointed in myself that I could not have don’t right by you sooner.
A collared sub — how do you break that bond?
I just don’t know, because I meant it forever, and I think I always will.
Either way, I suspect this may be the last thing I write on this, but then again, I really can’t say. It’s been a bumpy road at times, 10 times in fact, yet we continue to find ourselves back on the same path together.
But if it is the last thing I write of you, I suppose I should say this:
I Love You. I genuinely love you. I have said everything a million times, but I meant it all.