Today I Will Be Kind

Picture by author (EJ Terry)

Originally, this was going to be called today is grey. Yes, today is grey. I learned I lost my health insurance, again.

The first time was last September, when my dad was laid off from his job. Being chronically ill, unemployed, and living with my mother at the time, I easily qualified for my state’s Medicaid. Unfortunately, qualifying and implementing are two different things, but that’s another story. I am still two of those things, and naturally, the third (now employed part-time) contributed greatly to me losing the damn coverage I toiled over back in October… and November… and part of December…

Today is decidedly grey, but it is also as good a day as any to be kind. As my therapist pointed out in my session today (which I technically shouldn’t have with the lack of coverage), I’m significantly more prone to those nasty hands of depression right at the moment. I wandered closer to the rabbit hole this weekend while out with friends for dinner and a movie. I listened intently to stories of recent travels to Texas and South America, was impressed by the number of weddings they’d each be attending or a part of this season, made plans for the friend who would soon be joining the ‘dog mom’ club, and weighed pros and cons of credit cards.

I love them both, these two friends.

I’m actually blessed to have a solid group of young women who look out for me, love me and check in on me — even when I try to hide for a while.

They turned the conversation to me at dinner, how was I doing? How was it going with my mom? I started speaking and all I had was negative news. I handled it awkwardly, pushed the spotlight back in their direction but found I couldn’t follow it. I felt more isolated with my unrelated problems and their burden, along with my own pressure of keeping up appearances since it’s a rare occasion to get both of them together.

I’m still glad I went. And I will keep trying to go out, do things.

I figured today was as good a day as any to continue that, so on the way home from the therapist, I stopped at the library and picked up three books to get lost in.

When was the last time you were really kind to yourself?

Recognized that you have a lot going on right now, and being a justice warrior might be out of your realm of capabilities presently. Acknowledged that your body is absolutely the #1 priority, which includes your mind. Whenever it isn’t, life becomes 10x more difficult, and you know this, but it’s still a lesson you’re creating a habit of.

Helpful advice? Rebel and actually take care of yourself.

I heard that in a podcast this week; who isn’t sacrificing a, b, or c in the name of productivity? It’s a badge of honor, an expectation, almost a requirement. You are the exception if you dare put the body that moves you through the world, over work and others. How dare you. How dare you set boundaries, do things for their own sake, enjoy the company of a person just because, want more for yourself, want to do more differently.

Normally I wouldn’t publish this kind of thing — it’s not great writing, I don’t have a fleshed out topic, argument or story, nor am I really teaching anything.

But I have such a hard time finishing anything. I love writing, but I see where all my flaws are, how untrained I am, where I could have added something or made it more concise, and that’s just a hundred or so words in. Today, I’m being kind, which simply means putting another thing out there; flaws, lack of planning, and all.