On suicides and how they work
Life is about conflict and it’s resolution. And sometimes there needs to be a once and for all resolution that will cover all future resolutions.
So, here's how suicides work.
You're sad. It might be more, but you tell your mind that you're just sad. It's not more than that. Then there's no resolution of the conflict. Time plays tricks on you. It has maybe been only one day but it feels like an eternity. Then, it begins. Slowly. Your mind suggests that you rest; sleep. Not the way you know, a little more, maybe permanently.
You say no.
Because it is absurd. It's silly at this point. You're just sad. It's nothing more. It will be over soon. Besides, you have a lot to live for.
But do you?
Time is static and your mind starts to tell you you might not have anything to live for. You're tired - physically and emotionally. Time is not going anywhere and despite the sun shining and your friends around, it's dark inside. The lights are flickering and they go off for longer at this point.
Then it begins again. Why not end it? Because you're too chicken to. Because you're weak and selfish if you do. Because suicide is not African. Because you're always supposed to be hard.
But you're tired.
Your mind reminds you again. You warm up to it. You look up different painless ways. You're already in a lot of pain. Then you go buy pills or a razor or just anything to end it.
And you try.
But you can't.
Every passing day, you know you can. It's close now.
Maybe one day you will snap and just do it. Maybe you won't.
Maybe the conflict will get resolved.