The Whomp: Bring the Hump

Not Financial News. Financialtainment | February 15, 2017


A man attempting to hire via text message a hit man to kill his wife accidentally texted the wrong person: his boss. Far be it for us to go on a workplace rant, but this type of self-entitled office culture is unacceptable. Company phones should not be used for leisure, whether it involves playing games, streaming Netflix, or hiring contract killers to expedite death do us part. And when outsourcing an important job, such as spousal removal, never use text messaging, but instead meet in person, look him or her in the eye, and seal the deal with a handshake. Kids these days. Happy hump, Whompers.


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While lovers around the world celebrated Valentine’s Day with kisses and canoodles, a potential union of mammoth proportions was coming to a bitter end. Cigna announced yesterday it had terminated its merger agreement with Anthem. Like a scorching love affair gone bad, it is suing its projected acquirer for a $1.85 billion break-up fee, and claiming $13 billion in damages, CNBC reported yesterday.
Just last week, a federal judge blocked the $54 billion acquisition, arguing that the combination of two of the country’s largest insurers would significantly reduce competition in the industry. Anthem, a snubbed pursuer, is not letting go that easily and is arguing the merger agreement remains in effect until April 30.
 The Anthem-Cigna ruling comes on the heels of a federal court decision to block another insurer tie up last month: Aetna’s $34 billion acquisition of Humana. Not all failed unions end up bitterly, though. Also yesterday the Humana-Aetna deal ended in a much more amicable note as Aetna agreed to pay Humana the $1 billion break-up fee.


100: Number of consecutive games UConn Huskies women’s basketball has won. They last lost to Stanford in 2014.


Adult entertainment website PornHub has launched PornHub Sexual Wellness Center. Directed by broadcaster, author and therapist Dr. Laurie Betito, the site looks to offer “a wide range of topics pertaining to love, sexuality and health.” Users can access information about basic sexual anatomy, STDs and reproductive health, relationships, sex tech as well as weekly Q&A sessions with Dr. Laurie. Long gone are the days when a person’s first exposure to sex involved a tastefully shot skin flick, or an awkward conversation with parents, or bad intel from friends. Now youngsters can learn all the dangers and diseases that come from losing their virginity in one convenient porn site camouflaged as a wellness center.


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