The Edge of Destruction

It frustrates me when I watch people I love run themselves into the ground. It’s like is like watching them drive a car towards a cliff while you stand by unable to help. It hurts to watch someone sacrifice their mental and physical health all for the sake of “because I have to”, “because it’s not that bad”, or “because I don’t have a choice.”

You always have a choice.

I pushed my mental health to the side because I didn’t want to believe that my demons had come back. On days where my depression was so painful that getting out of bed felt excruciatingly difficult, I dragged myself into work because I had to.

I pushed my loved ones to the side when they begged me to get professional help because it wasn’t that bad.

I pushed my inner voice, my true self, to the side because I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have time for medication or therapy and I didn’t have the strength to face the stigma that comes with admitting you have a mental illness.

But I did have a choice.

After several months of battling depression, anxiety, and mood swings, it finally got to the point where I realized that I needed help immediately. We all have a different “limit” and past experiences have taught me mine. You see, I’ve been here before. I kept making excuses about time, money, and the severity of my situation because it was easier than fixing it. It’s extremely difficult to admit something is wrong and ask for help. It’s embarrassing, shameful, and horrifying…but it shouldn’t be.

There is nothing wrong with having a difficult time, whether it’s caused by a mental illness or life is just being cruel. However, this is something extremely wrong will allowing this difficult time to persist and worsen because you don’t want to deal with it. If it’s money — there are unlimited low cost and free resources. If it’s time — make time. There is more time in the day than you think and your well being deserves to be moved to the top of your list. If it’s stigma — I feel you.

Unfortunately, stigma is the most difficult hurdle to face but I assure you it can be done. Once I got help and started to feel better in ways I didn’t know I could, I promised myself that I would never let myself feel that badly again. I knew life would still knock me down but I learned the difference between struggling and suffering, and I knew my limits.

A few months ago I got closer to my limit that I had in the past five years. For me, the limit is ending my life. I didn’t make a plan or even considering it seriously, but one difficult day the thought crossed my mind. That’s when I knew I needed help, that’s when I knew I my car was heading towards a cliff. It went over once before and I was damned if it was going over again, especially after how hard I’d worked to bring myself back from the dead.

So I got help. And you know what? I felt better in ways I never know I could. I got my life back.

Anyone can wind up driving towards the edge of destruction, but unfortunately not everyone can hit the breaks. There is no shame in getting help. It’s ok to hurt, but it’s not ok to suffer. It’s unnecessary and causes so much destruction. Reach out if you need it and back yourself away from the edge.