A short summary of the Bible

According to the Bible, the universe began 6,000 years ago. God created the components of the universe a few bits at a time over the course of 6 days. Some people believe the universe is actually about 14 billion years old, and the 6 “days” God spent creating the universe are actually “eras.” If that’s true, then each era lasted about 2.3 billion years. Regardless, the components of the universe were created in the following order:

1. An empty universe and the Earth 2. Light 3. Earth’s atmosphere 4. The oceans of the Earth 5. All land on Earth that is above sea level 6. Plants 7. The rest of the stars, galaxies and matter in the universe 8. The sun and the moon 9. Fish 10. Birds 11. Animals that live on land

Genesis 1

After creating the universe, as an afterthought, God created a sentient being out of the same inanimate matter the rest of the physical universe is made of and named his latest creation, Adam.

Then as a second afterthought, God decided to create another human whose body was designed with reproductive organs that were compatible with the reproductive organs Adam had before God conceived of the idea of creating females. And instead of creating the first female human out of dirt like He did Adam, He created her by removing one of Adam’s rips and then morphing it into her. Then he named her Eve.

God created a magic garden for Adam and Eve to live in. He then placed a magic fruit tree in the middle of the magic garden and told Adam and Eve that the worst thing they could do in life was eat the magic fruit from the magic tree.

Adam and Eve obeyed God’s instructions, but one day when God wasn’t looking, a talking snake lied to Eve and told her it was okay to eat the magic fruit. Having no concept of lying, Eve believed the talking animal and ate the magic fruit.

When God found out that his inventions had broken the most important rule in the universe and eaten one of the magic pieces of fruit He got really mad and kicked Adam and Eve out of the magic garden that he had given them. Then he left a flying, flaming sword to guard the garden. Historically, this was the first sword to ever exist.

Then God invented thorns and thistles to further annoy humans. In addition, God cursed all women to hurt when they give birth and ordained that men would have to spend their lives working themselves to death just to scrape by. He also cursed all mankind with original sin, which meant we would all be born destined to suffer for eternity after death unless we could make amends with our creator during the short time we have on Earth. The snake who caused all this trouble to begin with got cursed to have to crawl on its belly.

Genesis 17:9–14

Then God started handing down rules for Adam and Eve’s incestuous decedents to follow. The first rule God established was to reverse His pre-existing rule that clothes were unnatural… except God never actually said that rule. Adam and Eve just sort of magically knew it. The rest of the rules were dictated by God to humans who wrote them with God’s full authority, and they were pretty interesting.

Deuteronomy 21

  • You have to cut off the foreskin of men’s penises.
  • If you find a dead body but can’t figure out who the killer is, you have to break a cow’s neck on top of the body.
  • If you go to war and take women captive, you can marry them after shaving their head and living with them for a month. However, afterwards you can’t sell her into slavery or treat her like a slave.
  • If a man has two wives and loves one more, he still has to give his first born son the majority of his inheritance even if he doesn’t love the child’s mother.
  • If you have a rebellious son, you should take him to the center of town where all the towns’ men will stone him to death.
  • If you execute a criminal and hang his body on a pole, you have to leave the body hanging over night.

Deuteronomy 22:13–29:

  • If you buy a wife and claim that she wasn’t a virgin when you bought her, but her parents prove she was a virgin then you have to pay her father 100 sheckles of silver and can never divorce her. However, if it turns out she wasn’t a virgin then the men of your town must stone her to death on her father’s front lawn.
  • If a man has sex with another man’s wife, both the man and woman must be stone to death, though the Bible doesn’t say where or by whom.
  • If a man rapes a women who is engaged, and the woman doesn’t cry out for help, then both the man and the woman must be stoned to death. If a man rapes an unmarried woman, and she cries out for help, then he must buy her from her father for 50 sheckles of silver and can never divorce her.

Deuteronomy 23:1–2

  • Nobody whose testicles are crushed is allowed to go to church. Neither are people born from a forbidden marriage or any of their descendants.

Deuteronomy 25:11–12

  • If two men are fighting, and one of their wives grabs the other man’s testicles, you must chop her hand off.

Exodus 22:18

Leviticus 11

  • You’re not allowed to eat camels, rabbits, pigs, anything from the ocean that doesn’t have fins and scales, eagles, vultures, ravens, owls, hawks, ospreys, storks, herons, bats, all flying insects except for locusts, katydids, crickets and grasshoppers, weasels, rats and most lizards. If you eat any of these animals or touch their carcass you’ll be magically unclean for the rest of the day, and you have to wash your clothes because they’re magically unclean also.

Leviticus 19:19–27

  • Don’t have sex with animals.
  • Don’t plan different kinds of seeds in the same field.
  • Don’t wear clothes made of more than one kind of fabric.
  • If a man sleeps with a female slave who was promised to be sold to someone else, he must give a ram to the city priest.
  • If you plant a fruit tree you’re not allowed to eat any of the fruit for the first three years. You have to give all the fruit from the fourth year to God. Then you can eat the fruit yourself.
  • Don’t eat meat with the blood still in it.
  • Don’t practice divination or seek omens.
  • Don’t cut your sideburns or the edges of your beard.

If God’s children broke any of these very important rules, the only way they could make it up to Him was to slaughter and burn animals on an altar. This is of paramount importance in the Bible. God needed the blood of His own creations to forgive his children for breaking His rules. Why did the blood of God’s creations please Him so much? There is no sane, reasonable explanation why.

Leviticus 1:1–19

God got upset once since not enough people were following His rules. So he flooded the entire earth and killed all but one family, who then repopulated the Earth incestuously. After the flood God invented rainbows. Before that time water droplets did not refract light in a way that produced the optical illusion of a multicolored arch when viewed from a certain angle.

Genesis 5–10:1

When the human population had recovered, God also instructed mankind to build Him a literal home on Earth out of rocks. So men built God a house, and He lived there for a while. Once a year the high priest would visit Him, but if anyone else entered God’s bedroom they died instantly. The high priest would also die if God didn’t like him enough.

1 Kings 6

God only told the nation of Israel about His rules and how you could come to his house and kill animals to absolve yourself of responsibility for Adam and Eve’s unforgivable mistake, because God pretty much only cared about the Israelis. To Him, the rest of mankind was disposable. For several thousand years He helped the Israelis kill thousands upon thousands of other people and take their land. Though, when the Israeli people weren’t obedient enough, God would do horrible things to them like burn their cities and sell them into slavery.

Genesis 19:23–26 Judges 4:1–2 Isaiah 24 Judges 15:3–20 Exodus 12:29–30 Joshua 10:11–14

Since God, Himself was literally dropping burning rocks out of the sky onto the battlefield, the nation of Israel defeated many enemies and grew large and powerful. However, God was no match for the Roman army, which conquered Israel and would later tear down all but the western wall of God’s house.

After Rome conquered God, He decided to alter his arrangement with humanity. In His infinite wisdom, He decided people shouldn’t have to kill animals on his doorstep to woo him into forgiving them for breaking His rules. The only problem was that it’s impossible for God to forgive his creations without them killing other things He created. He needed blood. And since the bigger living thing you killed, the more God forgave that meant someone would have to kill the biggest thing in the universe in order to satisfy God enough that He would not feel the need to punish his creations with everlasting torture anymore. Unfortunately, the only thing big enough and perfect enough to kill that would appease God was Himself, and humans couldn’t kill God. But God found a loophole: He would come to earth and get himself killed.

Instead of appearing on Earth instantly or building Himself a body like he built Adam, He chose to impregnate Himself into an unmarried virgin even though He, Himself had commanded that all sexually active, unmarried women were either to be sold to their rapist or beaten to death with rocks in the street if the sex was consensual.

Deuteronomy 22: 13–28

God grew up in human form kind of knowing He was God but kind of not. Eventually He remembered why He came to Earth in the first place, to kill himself to appease his own bloodlust so that all people, even the ones He used to think of as disposable, wouldn’t have to worry about Him torturing them for eternity.

But first He got drunk.

John 2:1–11

After that He cryptically explained to his dim-witted groupies that they wouldn’t have to give Him anymore animal carcasses to buy his love. However, they would still have to know and believe that He came to Earth to kill Himself to satisfy His blood lust, and He would force anyone who didn’t know and believe the story about His trip to Earth to spend eternity in unbearable agony.

John 3:16

He also took the time to approve of slavery.

Luke 17:7–10

Then He went to His big, stone house and yelled at the people he had ordained as His spokesmen on Earth for setting extortionate exchange rates and charging too much for animals they sold to pilgrims to slaughter on His doorstep to satisfy His blood lust.

After being shamed and threatened by God, His spokesmen went to the Roman authorities and arranged to have God nailed to two planks of wood, which was a common punishment at the time for people convicted of treason and/or claiming to be a messiah. God allowed himself to be arrested by human police, tried in Roman court for trumped up charges, be tortured in the street and nailed to two pieces of wood. If He liked the smell of blood, He was not disappointed that day.

In the time it took for the Earth to make three complete rotations on its axis, God experienced the supernatural torture He had been subjecting humans too. But since He didn’t deserve it, He got to leave.

On His way back to Heaven he instantly appeared on Earth (without impregnating another unmarried virgin) and scolded one of His groupies for believing He was dead after watching Him die.

John 20

Even though everyone was now forgiven for the fiasco in the Garden of Eden and everything else they did wrong except for not believing in God’s travel diary, God still decided to recruit some new spokesmen to pass out some revised rules that everyone had to live by. He also reiterated that women are inferior to men and slavery is natural and good.

1 Corinthians 14:34–38 Ephesians 6:5 1 Timothy 6:1–2 1 Timothy 2:8–15 Titus 2:9 1 Peter 2:18

He also promised to wipe out most of humanity again in a grotesque apocalypse. Revelations 7–9

After that we never heard from God again… unless you believe one of the many people who have claimed to be His newest spokesmen.

Originally published at thewisesloth.com on February 15, 2014.