The Deep Fried, Kebab Pizza, Burger.
Every late-teenage, low-twenties binge drinker knows that there are 4 basic fast-food groups.
- Burgers
- Kebabs
- Pizza
- Deep fried, battered shit.
It’s taken me until my mid-40s to realise, I could combine all of those into one, magnificent, pointless, clean-eating refusing, masterpiece.
Ingredients (makes 4-ish)
Pizza
* Pizza base (you can make your own but, honestly, it’s not the ingredient where that’s going to make any difference)
* Pizza sauce (you want a thick one where poss)
* Mozzarella
* Some other cheese
* kebab meat (get a tray from your local chippy. You won’t need it all but, hey, there’s kebab meat for the chef to eat)
Batter
* 80gm Plain flower
* 15gm Corn flower
* 200ml Stella (any lager will do, Stella just seems more appropriate somehow)
* Some baking soda
Burgers
* Decent burgers (homemade if you can be arsed)
* Burger baps (rolls, cobs, buns, batches, etc, etc)
* Slices of processed cheese (or real cheese if you’re that way inclined)
* Lettuce
* Mustard / Mayo / Relish / ketchup / whatever else you like to dump on top of a burger
Directions
Pre-heat your grill. Fire up your deep fat fryer.
Using a cookie cutter or a ridiculously oversized hunting knife, cut 4 burger-sized circles from the pizza base. Cover these in pizza sauce.
Slice some mozzarella and grate some cheese. Place the mozzarella on the pizza bases, add some kebab meat and then cover in grated cheese. Season to taste (add shit-loads, maybe a splash of hot sauce to perk it up). You should have some kebab meat left. Might as well eat this, but leave room for the burgers when they’re done.
Grill these mini-pizzas for about 5 minutes. You’re not looking to cook them through, just enough for the cheeses to bind the toppings together. Place them to one side to cool down. Turn the grill down a bit and put the burgers in to cook slowly.
Make the batter. Add all the batter ingredients, apart from the baking soda, to a bowl and mix. It needs to be the consistency of that glue you used to get at school. You know the one you could let dry and peel off later. It should coat your fingers if you dip them in. Keep your fingers out of it you mucky bastard. Drink the rest of the Stella. Go on, you’re like an every-man Keith Floyd. If you bought a 4-pack then there’s another 3 to neck whilst you continue cooking.
Add 1 teaspoon of baking soda to the batter and mix. Dip each of the pizzas into the batter coating each side. Spoon it over if you have to. Then carefully place each pizza into the deep fat fryer. If you’ve drunk all 4 cans of Stella already, then you might want to get someone sober to come do this bit for you so you don’t fry the ends of your fingers. You might also want to chat to your GP about your drinking problem you flipping lush.
Deep fry for 4 or 5 minutes until they’re golden brown……
Rescue your burgers from the grill. You did remember to turn them and stuff didn’t you? Construct to taste. Lettuce and coleslaw helps it to look healthy and won’t do you much damage.
Finally, don’t forget to Instagram that shit, like wot all the kids and hipsters do.
