I think that something I have come to accept from being so vocal about the “women in tech” topic, is that people who do not know me will automatically associate me with “women in tech”. That, odds are, the first thing most people will say to me is along the lines of “How do you feel about *women in tech topic*?”.
Speaking to other close friends stuck in a similar niche, they have expressed this feeling as well. We all feel sort of a common exhaustion of having to upkeep this ridiculous image of strength. And in all situations, be prepared to provide a perfectly articulate reaction, because if we god forbid crack, it’ll be used against us.
I am starting to lose a level of dimension in my personality.
Becoming more edited and diplomatic rather than the (for better or worse) heart-on-sleeve and snarky kind of person I am. I can’t show the same sort of emotions in day to day interactions anymore because of the weird pedestal I feel like I am being propped onto.
Today in a phone conversation with a very good friend, she said it perfectly:
“I don’t think about feminism all the time. I just want to represent myself.”
I’ve seen this happen to other women as well. Heard the word “crazy” just casually thrown around. As if, because of one teeny tiny facet of her personhood, her mental sanity is entirely represented by a single topic.
In writing this, it’s not meant to send any sort of profound message.
Its meant to give empathy to those who deserve it and going through similar things. To those who can relate, just know that you’re not alone.
You shouldn’t have to feel like you are representing anyone other than yourself. If you don’t want to talk about “women in tech”, and you happen to be a woman who also happens to be in tech, that’s totally okay.
Let’s also talk about personal limitations and comfort zones.
I’m loud. But that’s about it. The only thing I can manage in my life right now, in an attempt to help further one of the issues that I care about, is write. I don’t have the emotional, mental, or physical bandwidth to mentor as much as I would like. Or organize events as much as I would like. Or provide as many resources as I would like. In fact, I consciously removed myself from organizing larger events because I realized that it was becoming unhealthy for me. This greatly saddens me, and often times makes me feel like a complete hypocrite.
However, from the various people who have reached out to me telling me I’ve helped them, I want to say thank you. It’s been your feedback about the little that I have done, that pushes me to continue writing.
I don’t really have an inspirational message to end this post. Its more just to say, the majority of you reading this, has only seen the tip of the iceberg. And that it is very important for you to understand that. No matter how much anyone seems to share about their views, life, or otherwise to the public.
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