You have had a lot of abusers, but no one has abused you more than me.
I want to acknowledge you and my treatment of you. I hope you will accept this humble apology and perhaps, with this letter, I can, at the very least, help you understand why I would seek to harm and allow harm be done to you so devastatingly as I have.
For most of my life I thought of you as weak. I would tell you, “tough it out”; “suck it up”; “don’t be a pussy”. I tried to make you as numb as possible, that way I could allow you to be hurt even deeper and maybe you’d never even know.
I believed early on that crazy thought-system that “if people hurt me, they love me”. I took that belief and I ran with it. But, Body, it was you who kept being hurt and I allowed it; all of it. I stood by and did nothing while you cried until you physically couldn’t cry anymore. Then during that decade where tears couldn’t come, I’d cut you to see you bleed, desperate to return any kind of feeling to you. But I couldn’t. Because you were already gone. I lost you. You were numb. And though you walked around and still took in breath, you were already dead. And I did that to you.
For every abusers’ hit or assault; for every horrible and demeaning word uttered against you; for every slice of a knife to your wrist; for every hate-filled look in the mirror; for every one you left because I knew they’d never truly love you for you (how could they? You were so unworthy); for every moment of your pain when I allowed you to be called names, beat relentlessly, destroyed internally; for allowing you to be broken without lifting a finger to help you heal for so many years…
I am truly and deeply sorry. I am sorry for I knew not what I did. I stole your life. I blocked out your light. And I, more than any other, caused you immense pain -mostly because I never stopped the pain you were senselessly enduring. I was your greatest abuser. I was the villain of your story. And it is with a torn-up and broken heart that I, with this letter, Sweet Body and Home for My Soul Here on Earth, beg for your forgiveness.
Never again will I allow such ill-treatment of you.
Never again will I not stand up on your behalf when you are being harmed physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually.
Never again will I abuse you.
No more am I the villain of your story.
The Mind within you has represented me for a very long time and as I identified with it, I believed it’s every thought (most of which were against you, Body). I’m happy to say I now know who the real villain is and it is not you or me. It is our Mind and we may not be able to silence it but we sure as hell no longer have to believe it.
Let’s make a pact today:
We, Body and Soul, do so solemnly swear to stand together against the attacks and abuse of the Mind. We will no longer accept negativity directed at ourselves or others and when we see it approaching we will arm ourselves with intense Presence and fight the Past and Future with which it likes to threaten us.
Furthermore, we, Body and Soul, declare that we hold no judgment or grudges against the Mind. It is released of all guilt and all shame because our only desire is to move forward allowing freedom to ring.
This is hereby our Declaration of Liberty. From the entanglements of the Mind we are now and forevermore set free!
Thank you, Body, for enduring my pain, being a survivor and for being the catalyst to end my slavery.
My chains are gone, I’ve been set free and I can’t thank you enough.
With All the Love That I Possess,
The Self Within
Thursday, 10/29 at 11pm (eastern) We’re talking Domestic Violence in honor of DVAM. Make sure to Chatter or Video Chat in!