Do you hate me?
I kinda think you do sometimes. The way you don't let me breathe; criticize my every move; tell me that people (even my friends) are out to get me, at times. It takes constant work all day every day to remind myself that most of the shit you say to me is completely and utterly untrue.
At times, I'll literally collapse in bed exhausted from you and how hard you choose to come at me. But, you don't want me to have even that kind of reprieve. God forbid I get a little break from you in order to recuperate. Nope. You have to start going at me again through the night. 2AM... 3AM... 4AM -just to make sure you still have control.
Sometimes I literally beg you,
"Please, Brain! Please, please give me just a moment. Please stop picking on me for 5 minutes! Please!"
But, to no avail. You won't allow me a moment's peace.
Of course, then there are the times when I remind you of WHO I AM and, more importantly, who you are not. You are not the owner of me. I am the owner of you! YOU belong to ME. You are under my control. NOT the other way around.
I have made one wonderful discovery, Brain. I have discovered that you actually have to let me catch a little bit of a break when I do my morning meditations or when I bring my awareness and my power to you during the day. I love how you tremble and cower in the face of my will to overcome.
I just get so burdened sometimes. I will ultimately crash from the 24/7 almost 365 days a year state of hypo-mania in which I exist and function. And that's when the darkness begins to roll in. My sky fills with blackened clouds which loom above threatening the inevitable downpour as my emotions threaten to burst from deep within my flawed and damaged little self.
Suddenly all at once you remind me of every horrible, disgusting, vile thing I've ever thought or believed about myself. Getting out of bed becomes the first obstacle of my gloom and dread-filled day. The mask becomes almost too heavy to wear. The smile becomes harder and harder to hold in place. And, all the belief in myself drains from my soul like my very life-force flowing out from my veins.
Once a bright shining star, now my light flickers and threatens to go out. How quickly it all turns when you begin your tirade of all the things that are pathetically wrong with me.
But, why? Why, Brain?
You're inside MY head! You belong to ME! Why are you so against me? Why do you literally want me dead sometimes? Why?
And then the answer comes as the sun dawns a new day and the clouds begin to part revealing just a sliver; just a peek of that beautiful sparkling blue again.
My sweet, wonderful Brain! It's not your fault. See, you WERE perfect. In the beginning, when you were little and just beginning to grow, you never wanted me or anyone in the world to ever feel anything but immense love from you. It's all that you were and it's all that you ever wanted to give.
But, then, the people you trusted most brought language into your world. And the understanding to which you were introduced became your introductory to knowledge: your blessing and your curse. You soon learned you weren't good enough for the people you loved so much. You also learned that they would only "love" you if you did everything they wanted you to do. As you grew older, you saw this poignant point affirmed over and over and over again until one day you became the one who disapproved the most.
Now, here we are. You and me. Enemies. Technically, we're 'One,' but we've been split almost in two. In order to survive anxiety, depression, suffering and pain I know I must go against you. I must fight a member of my very own body. How unfair? How did someone else's voice become your voice, Brain? Why would you abuse me because of them and what they believe?
Brain, don't you see? We are the same! When you hurt me, you only hurt YOU! When you tell me everything wrong with me, it is YOU who suffers, don't you see?
There must be another way! It's time to make a change.
This fight is over, Brain. And there are no losers because there are no winners. We are one. We are the same. And on this day I invite you to begin the very long (but beautiful, I promise) journey of becoming my best and closest friend. Today we turn over our swords, lay down our armor and raise the white flag of peace by way of mutual surrender. I surrender my fight against you and you surrender the beliefs of others you've held against me for so long.
Today, I will build a true and lasting interpersonal relationship with myself.
Today, is the beginning of the end of my suffering.
Because today our mutual surrender marks the end of resistance and the beginning of full acceptance.
Brain, I accept that you are flawed and I love you, no matter.
It is not my fault that chemical imbalances run in my family.
And these imperfections don't make me less, they make me different, and that makes me 'equal to' not 'greater' or 'less than.'
I don't know what tomorrow holds, but for 'this' moment (the only moment we ever really have) I accept.
With all the healing love that I possess.
The Consciousness Within, Your Owner and Your Friend
Smiletime.com/TRUTH Wednesday 8PM PDT