How I dealt with my parents’ gaslighting
Learning how to resolve tension without ruining our closest relationships
Gaslighting is a tactic used to manipulate the victim to question themselves. Taken from the British play Gas Light (1938), the story is about a husband who tries to manipulate his wife to think that she is insane by making small changes to the environment and insisting that she is mistaken. The term describes a scene in the movie where the husband dims the lights of his apartment and pretends that nothing has happened. All the while he searches for jewels belonging to a woman he had murdered. When his wife asks about the dimmed lights, he convinces her that nothing has changed, and that it was her who is insane.
In psychology, a victimiser gaslights the victim by “first convincing the victim that his thinking is distorted and secondly persuading him that the victimizer’s ideas are the correct and true ones.” (Dorpat, Theodore L. from the book Gaslighting, the Double Whammy, Interrogation and Other Methods of Covert Control in Psychotherapy and Analysis).
I was also a victim of gaslighting. The perpetrator? My culture and my very own parents.
Growing up as an asian, our culture taught us that our parents’ opinions reigned supreme, that as children, our ignorance meant that it would be wrong to disagree. So my brother and I did exactly as we were told. Both of us grew up believing that we would become professionals one day, that being creatives meant years of impoverishment such as that of Ms JK Rowling, except that not many of us are close to being as talented.
After school each day, we would drag ourselves to tutorial centres, lasting till supper with no room for play. As we headed home for dinner, we would sit slumped over on the bus, stealing precious time for some shut eye. Overworked and exhausted, we never thought to persuade our parents to lessen our burdens. It was our culture that rewarded us for labor and obedience.
As we grew up, we started yearning for autonomy. Once I entered university, I discovered the excitement of nightlife and desperately wanted to stay out late without a care in the world. I wanted to wear camis without being subjected to my mom’s snide comments on how my arms look monstrously huge. I wanted to take responsibility, be proud and own the person that I am.
Yet whenever I acted against my mom’s bidding, she would give me a stern look of disapproval and throw snarky comments over the breakfast table. She would send me passive aggressive text messages at 5 am as proof that she has not slept a wink because I failed her. She would pretend to be nonchalant, as she tells me, “now that you’re older you think you know better than I do. Well suit yourself.” These instances always made me feel downright terrible — guilty that I failed her expectations yet angry because I succumbed to her antics.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my mother dearly. She has a wonderful soul that only wishes to serve those around her. She always busies herself with work, taking care of her parents, her in-laws, and would only have a brief lunch after her office closes down at 3 pm to help those in need. This does not negate the fact that she can be manipulative and obsessive about keeping up appearances as this perfect example of an asian family. I knew I would have to confront this gaslighting at some point, or risk feeling oppressed and guilty for an eternity. So this is how I dealt with it.
Understand the underlying motive
When we face comments that are tailored to make us feel guilty, there is always an underlying motive. In understanding it, are we able to successfully dissect and deflect unwanted criticism.
I once refused an invitation to do a watercolor class with my mom and her friends, simply because I wasn’t interested. She took offence and complained that I was not listening to her advice anymore. When I stood my ground, she spiraled into a full blown lashing on how I was cold towards her and the family, that I was uncaring and a disappointment to her.
Yet I knew that it was never about the fact that I was cold to her, or that I did not care about her or the family. She knew that I took on the burden of doing chores around the house, buying groceries and would even accompany her in her weekly exercises.
The real reason behind her vehement frustration was my growing up, my ability of forming opinions, the fact that her commandments no longer hold the gravitas that they once did, that she’s becoming less relevant in the way I steered my own ship. I now made large and small decisions without her endorsement, and this gave her anxiety. A small part of her desperately wants me to be dependent on her, and so she uses blame to steer me to act according to her bidding.
Therefore, instead of acting according to instincts and lashing back, recognise these underlying messages which are crucial to determine how you can best manage expectations and maintain a good relationship with your parents.
Understand your own boundaries
Knowing where to draw the line is essential in combating manipulation.
Most of the time, our parents’ opinions are made for our best interests. It would be foolish to automatically dismiss a wise man’s words at every turn. But if these opinions damage not just our egos but something fundamental, such as our self-confidence, then we must recognise that this is a breach of our boundaries.
It is therefore essential that we look to ourselves to understand where our boundaries lie. If our parents’ words only cause momentary discomfort, choose to pick your fights wisely. Expend energy only on matters that are worth our time.
Use non-complementary behaviour to resolve conflicts
Furthermore, learn to silence the manipulator. If there is one thing that they desire the most, it is being able to illicit a reaction from the victim. Giving in too early perpetuates bad behaviour. Reciprocating through insults fuels negative energy.
Instead, try non-complementary behaviour, which is the opposite of “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth”. Rather than getting angry, firstly learn to not respond to the situation. Nonchalance sucks the thrill out of the manipulator, diminishing chastisement into nothing but words. They then realise that nothing they do is going to change your behaviour. They eventually give up.
If they become frustrated and continue gaslighting you, stand your ground and use their tactics against them. I do not mean that you should gaslight them back, but to do acts of kindness that may elicit feelings of guilt for their own unwarranted behaviour.
Food is usually the best bet. Bring a box of freshly made doughnuts, buy them a cup of coffee, treat them their favourite desserts. Or, do a chore or two around the house and let them know of your good deeds. Such kind, non-complementary behaviour usually puts shame on the person who acted unkindly, thereby putting a stopper to further abuse.
Although it may be a matter of human instinct to act with hostility, there are times when anger must be met with kindness in order to be resolved. Master these rules and you are on the way to living a more independent, guilt free existence.
