Not Really Broken

When people find out I’ve been treated for PTSD and I’m in the military they make certain assumptions. I supposed I would, too. In certain company I add the qualifier “non-combat related PTSD.” Because, you see, the thing about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is it comes from trauma. Car crashes. Hurricanes. Workplace violence. PTSD is not the exclusive domain of those of us in the military.

So yes, while I have deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan and I have seen some really awful things my diagnosis has nothing to do with my deployment. My flavor of trauma was being raped and beaten and left for dead. And though most people haven’t experienced such an extreme event it is worth noting a great many people who join the military are seeking to escape an abusive environment or family of origin. While the military has made great strides in the past few years with removing some of the stigma related to mental health issues I think it does a great disservice by not acknowledging that some of the bumps in the road come from being a human being, and it’s okay to get help for that, too.

I see so many posters for “Real Warriors,” telling me if I come home from deployment and I need help it’s okay to get it. Even on the security clearance questionnaire there are exemptions from disclosure for counseling related to “grief and combat” as well as family counseling.* Why is my trauma less worthy of the same protections? Why am I less trustworthy because I was a victim of a crime? What about the estimated 1 in 5 females and 1 in 10 males in uniform who have been the victims of sexual assault? Trauma is trauma. The psychic grief I experience because of my rape is no more or less than that.

And even if someone hasn’t experienced the something like rape, if they make the mature decision to get some help how is that relevant to their ability to keep secrets? Let me tell you, I know how to keep secrets, because I kept my assault a secret. I didn’t want to jeopardize my career or my clearance by getting counseling. Even when I stopped sleeping, or experienced nightmares, or checked and re-checked that the door was locked. I kept those secrets, because I loved being in the military more than anything else. I didn’t want that to be yet another thing he took from me.

Why is the military not doing a cost-benefit analysis of saying the presence of this question is hurting national security because it kills far more servicemembers by keeping them from getting the help they need? If someone is so unstable or unbalanced that they cannot be trusted with national security then where the hell is their leadership? Is there really something that a good squad leader couldn’t suss out? Or even an average one?

So let’s let our servicemembers get help. Let’s acknowledge the fact that they are human, and should not feel self-conscious about that fact. Let’s imagine a day when my rape counseling is none of my commander’s (or first sergeant, or squad leader’s) business.

I would also like to send a message out to the media. PTSD is not broken. PTSD is not permanent. PTSD does not make you hear voices, it doesn’t make you believe the atmosphere is collapsing, and it only very, very rarely makes one prone to violence. PTSD is not limited to combat. It is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, and it should be okay to get help for it. I’m still a damn good leader. I’m still a damn good follower. But I’m not broken.