SATIRE

My work was plagiarized and I’m not okay with it

photo by Kevin Lehtla on Unsplash -always give credit to these amazing photographers, who give life to our stories

I’m a suburban mom of four kids. I keep Sharpie in business because I write my name on everything.

From coolers and sports equipment to Tupperware, books, and crock pots — my name is scrolled in indelible ink. I do it to ensure everyone knows those things belong to me.

When the school principal tastes my amazing fluff dip, she’ll see my name on the bowl and know I truly appreciate the staff. Lisa isn’t going to stroll out of the fall festival with my leftover lentils. When a sweater or P.E. shorts get left behind, I get them back…

Parents and instructors weigh the pros and cons

photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Children around the globe have traditionally taken swim lessons at aquatic centers. Due to vast renovations, now they’ll receive instruction in a different place — shark-infested waters.

This news makes some parents a little uneasy. One mother expressed her worry, “I’m scared. Every instinct I have screams this is not the best idea.”

The owner of a local swim school said parents might be acting a tad neurotic, and explained his point, “There will be a mosquito net to offer protection and everyone is being asked to wear yellow swimsuits because sharks are less likely to attack that color.”

Parents…

You may never lane swim again

Photo by Toni Cuenca on Unsplash

This message was found scribbled in crayon and left under a landscape rock.

My name is Wesson Thatcher Fensington. Perhaps you’ve seen one of my sun hats in the lost and found. Anything embroidered or printed with my initials, WTF, is mine. I represent the nine hundred toddlers in our neighborhood. You’ve noticed us at the pool lately like there was a Groupon offer from a fertility clinic a couple of years ago. We’re taking over this pool, and there are a few things you need to understand.

We run this racket with the help of our mommies, who believe…

Adults can learn a lot from the teenagers who bully them

Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash

If you’re like most people, you’ve become complacent in your life. Does everyone around you always agree with you? Do you wonder if your self esteem may be too high? If so, It’s time for some brutal honesty. Call our teen bullying experts today.

We’ll arrange for one of our counselors to meet with you and one of our teen volunteers in the comfort of your home. The counselor will arrive five minutes early. The teen will show up whenever he or she feels like it. Per our policy, there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s important to remember…

When it’s time to just move on

photo by Andrea Niosi on Unsplash

Dear You,

I am the blender you received as a wedding gift nineteen years ago, and I am giving you my two weeks notice.

The truth is, I’m bored. I think you’re bored too. Remember when we used to have fun together? We’d hang out all night, you’d toss some frozen fruit my way, get me liquored up, and I’d whip up some drinks. “Oster, you make the yummiest drinks!”, you’d say. You even bragged about me to your friends. You were so impressed by all my buttons back then — ice crush, pulse, low, medium, and high.

Remember that…

Exposing the beauty of covering up

Photo by Vera Davidova on Unsplash

Have you had to run out the door on a moment’s notice lately? Probably not, but if you should and can’t find a piece of gum or a mint to freshen your breath, don’t panic. Forget where you left your lipstick a couple of months ago? No problem.

Now that we’ll all be wearing face masks for the foreseeable future, you can conceal your stinky breath and lifeless lips.

Face masks are annoying but necessary, and it’s time we celebrate their side potential.

Donning a shield over the lower part of your face means that you can eat onions and…

Everything

Photo by Darren Halstead on Unsplash, edited by author

During the stay-at-home order, I’ve made a discovery — Bigfoot does exist and he’s hiding somewhere in my house.

I first noticed the evidence in my kitchen one morning. I got up early to let our dog out and while she was doing her business, I was struck by the state of my kitchen. Cabinets and drawers had been left open. An empty milk jug was awkwardly crammed sideways in the fridge right next to a jar of jelly without a lid. Cereal bits were scattered all over the island, wrappers from my fourteen-year-old son’s favorite chocolate littered the floor…

HUMOR

Hell, what would MacGyver do in this toilet paper crisis?

Photo by Anna Franques on Unsplash

I haven’t been in public since March 12th. The last time I was a free woman, I was rushing around Sam’s Club stocking up on food and essentials to get us through Spring Break. We had planned to spend the week in Florida, but had just pulled the plug because of the Coronavirus threat. Now that we were staying home, I needed a gob ton of stuff.

My four kids were hours away from having the beach yanked from under their feet, so I was also searching through the aisles for anything that I could offer as consolation when we…

A song parody of Wouldn’t It Be Nice? by the Beach Boys

Photo by Pille-Riin Priske on Unsplash

Shouldn’t we have rice with our order

And what about a napkin or two?

But I thought that the white rice was included

It’s too late now, so what should I do?

Yes, hello, hello…Oh is this thing muted?

I said I just thought the rice was included.

Shouldn’t we have rice to mix with sauces

Or even just pile high upon our plates?

We had a flood and have all been uprooted

And stuck in this motel with low rates.

We might have to go stay with his mother

I would rather camp anywhere other.

Oh, why did you…

HUMOR

Putrid odor perplexes woman

Photo by Tina Bosse on Unsplash

A woman in the town of Muddy Waters awoke this morning to a foul odor coming from her clothes dryer.

“Horse piss and burning rubber,”are the words chosen by Fannie Isodum to describe the scent that pervaded her laundry room.

She attributed the stench to a possible dead bird or rodent at the outside exhaust. Her husband, Woody Isodum, searched the area but admits he never caught a whiff of the alleged smell.

“I didn’t really believe her, so I didn’t look too hard,”confessed Mr. Isodum.

The odor was so off-putting that Mrs. Isodum made several calls to services who…

Whitney Blaine

Mother of four kiddos . Young stroke survivor since 2012. Learning to be vulnerable and free of shame. Trying to laugh as often as I can.

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