2018 I’m not F*cking Playing With You

Taking a stroll down memory lane as I enter my last year in my 20s with some Bad Ass Beyonce Gifs

December 31st of 2016 I made a promise to myself that I would live my best life in the upcoming year. I would travel, go wherever, do whatever, and it would all be on my terms. I was postive that I had done that until a reality check struck right before midnight.

I attended a New Year’s Eve party last night and one of my friend’s pulled me to the side. He looked at me straight in my eyes with the Henny stare of death to say the following:

“Brittany, why do you think fck with you,?”

How do you answer that without sounding head ass? After a few moments of breathing deeply and exhaling my confusion I finally said I honestly don’t know. I’m nice? A short chuckle commenced as he puffed out his chest from under his plaid suit.

“Yes, you’re nice (sometimes). But I f*ck with you because I see the greatness in you. But it dissapoints me that you don’t live up to what I know you are capable of”

I for one was not thinking that was what I was going to hear before downing my champagne and toasting to another year to conquer. Have I gotten on a high horse so tall that I think I’ve accomplished so much or have I just gotten comfortable and forgot who I was? Strangely I believe it’s both.

I woke up this morning ready to write something how 2017 was a great ass year and I was so ready to conquer this new chapter. Instead, I spent the day reflecting on the past few years and where I was at emotionally, physically, and spiritually:

2015: First NYE living in Chicago. Was surrounded by new friends and excited about life. I had been living in kentucky depressed for the past year and a half and had finally felt like I found a good place in life. Looking forward to more growth and being a better person

2016: Last NYE living in Chicago. Emotionally and spirtually unstable as I was unhappy with work and with my relationships I was dealing with. But still looking forward to more growth and being a better person.

2017: First NYE living in Dallas. Spent it at a small kickback with close friends. Ended up in an arguement with a man I had previously been in a frielationship aka that realy gray area type of situationship with. But guess what I am looking forward to? Growth!

2018: Feeling like this year is going to be awesome. Decided to cut someone off at the stroke of midnight. When God gives you signs listen to them. Pray over the people in your life. I know this year is going to be great and I don’t have time for bullshit; of course growing some more.

Taking this walk down memory lane I came to the decision that I don’t want to be so focused on growing that I don’t pay attention to where I am at or what I am doing in the moment. I need to just sit in my sh*t. I know that growth is unavoidable. It will happen, but it will be organically and not rooted in me just believing that I am growing. I don’t want to look forward to a metamorphisis but actually do it.

Between a few things that happened in the last 48 hours that made me say “ you really have me confused with someone else” and the sincere question I was asked I realized who the f*ck I am and who the f*ck I am not and 2018 will be the year that I not only remind others of this, but more importantly myself so that I live up to the person that I deserve to be.

Cheers to 2018. Every year will be my year.