She is seated in an armchair in her therapist’s office; a younger woman named Eve (the irony is not lost on Andy).
“So how have you been?” Eve starts. She knows this opening line all too well and navigates it with ease, “Well. Busy but well.”
“Do you have anything specific that you want to talk about today?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking about what we said last time, that there might be something to my growing up as an army brat. All the moving and so on.”
Eve completes the thought, “And constantly surrounded by a display of male force.”
“Yes. Sure. But, having thought about it, I’m not sure that there’s much there.”
Eve just nods and then pauses. Andy does not take the bait, instead letting silence fill the room — forcing Eve to ask another question, “And how have you been in terms of self harm?”
Andy tells the truth, “None.”
“I’m glad to hear that. And your sex life?”
Andy knew that the question was coming, “Still the same.” She pauses and dares Eve with her eyes, “Do you want to hear about Wednesday night?”
Eve remains unflinching, “If you think it’s relevant then yes.”
Images flood Andy’s mind; the strobe lights, the noise, the short man’s scrubby hair — the sense of contentment as she walked away from them.
“I fucked two men in a club.”
Eve’s hand holding the pen remains motionless, “Did you know them?”
“No. And I wasn’t particularly drunk. Actually, I wasn’t drunk at all.”
Eve lets her continue as Andy relives the details, “I was on all fours in a booth, facing away from the dance floor. The one was taller than the other and I sucked him off while the other one had sex with me from behind.”
Andy takes a moment to challenge Eve’s tranquil gaze, “No, he didn’t use a condom. I know that’s risky but he didn’t and I didn’t stop him.”
“The tall guy came in my mouth — which I enjoyed — but the shorter one took too long so I pushed him away and left.”
Eve asks a relevant question, “Did you have an orgasm?”
“Close. Closer than I had come for a couple of days. I enjoyed it.”
Eve inhales, a gesture that Andy recognizes as signalling that Eve is about to give her verdict, “Well, as we’ve said before I don’t see a particular problem with you enjoying sex — in whatever form you prefer. And I don’t see how this episode is much different from what we’ve talked about in the past. Perhaps the only thing that I’d suggest is that you continue to think about whether there is a less risky alternative available to you. I’m not suggesting that you need to be in a relationship or anything, just that there are more stable options.”
Andy reads the coded meaning in Eve’s use of the word risky; her reply is fabricated, disconnected from her real thoughts. She says, “I guess I enjoy the rush.”
But in truth she knows exactly why she continues to fuck, suck on and ride these men, pushing and pulling at them and discarding them if they disappoint her.
I am untameable, alive and free. I am unrepentant, awash in an ocean of chaos from which I never want to emerge.
