Two

The struggle is REAL at the moment. I can’t even remember what my last post was about. Heck, I can barely muster up the strength to write this post.

Still stuck in a job that I don’t want, or like. Trying to stay motivated to work each day is even more effort than ACTUALLY working. Though that isn’t hard when your boss is a control freak, making your job obsolete.

JUST LOOK AT ME WINGING. MY LIFE IS HARD. WOE IS ME. God I need a reality check. I have a great life, I am extremely lucky. But when you spend nine hours a day, five days a week in an environment that doesn’t make you happy, surely you are allowed to get down just a little bit?

But when is enough enough? When is it okay to pull the plug? I have always thought that you spend all your spare time searching desperately for the job that is going to pull you out of this funk. The job that will give you your spirit and your drive back (is this an elusive unicorn?). How soul-destroying and draining does your job have to become before it is alright to say ENOUGH when you have nothing to move onto yet? Sure, I’m qualified AF, but does that mean I’ll be back up on my feet quickly?

I‘m very quickly learning that life is made up of what-ifs, of risk-taking, weighing pros and cons. Nothing is certain, nothing is set in stone, and I’m not sure I like it. But who does? Don’t get me wrong, life is beautiful and colourful and everything, but on the flip side no one told me being an adult would be so god damn hard! Making all these life-altering, career-altering decisions is HARD. But the show must go on.

On the flip side, I made one of my first ‘listen to your gut instinct’ decisions today and damn it feels good. I knew this opportunity would get me out of my current work situation, but would it really get me where I feel like I need to go? It looked like it on the surface, mentorship, potential career opportunities down the track, personal and professional growth. All of this and more, but it just didn’t sit right you know? Something was off.

I turned to all confidants, pleading with them to tell me what to do. Make a decision for me dammit! Do I take it, do I turn it down, what is the right thing to do? What will be best for me professionally? Personally? The list goes on. But alas, my friends and family are too good — although they could help me weigh the pros and cons and talk it through time and time again, they could not give me the answer. ‘Listen to your gut!’ they’d say. ‘I don’t know what it is telling me!!’, my standard response. I’m not sure if I have ever been good at listening to my gut. I’m sure you’ve probably realised by now, but in all of that hesitating and need for affirmation, I found my answer. If I wanted it, if it felt right, I wouldn’t be hesitating. I wouldn’t be turning to everyone asking them what to do. I wouldn’t be willing them to say “Don’t do it”.

And so I came clean. Honesty is hard. Confrontation is hard. But it felt good, and it felt right. Now here I am, back to square one on the get-me-out-of-here quest. I know I’ll find my way, just give me some time. I’ll leave you with this though… why do we feel like we are letting others down, even when declining an opportunity feels right?