That Time I Tempted for ‘The Dark Knight’

They say ‘never meet your heroes’. I say, never work for them.

Before I get into it, my lawyer has advised me to inform you that I am currently under an MDA.

This means that while I’m allowed to write about my time working for this very famous vigilante employer, I am unable to use his name, likeness or divulge any specific information about him or his infamous sidekick in my story. For this purpose, the names of the individuals involved have been changed to protect their identities (but mostly to stop Batman, I mean Bagman, from suing me).

While I might not have the athletic ability or fighting skills, being a sidekick was honestly a dream job. I mean, Bagman wasn’t just a hero, he was my hero and every other kid’s hero growing up. I especially loved Tim Burton’s Bagman and Bagman Returns.

I was hired on a trial basis while his full-time sidekick, let’s call him Bobin, was on paternity leave. I quickly discovered the sidekick role wasn’t exactly how it was portrayed on TV, movies and comics. First off, I didn’t get a cape, uniform or even a sidekick name.

Should this have been a red flag? Fuck yes, but at the time I imagined I’d get the cape and stuff after my probation.

In reality, the role was more of an assistant type thing. Bobin basically did a shit ton of admin for Bagman— from taking care of parking violations to cleaning the Bag Mobile, responding to assault charges and damages to public property caused by Bagman.

I also discovered that most of the fines and lawsuits were either paid for or settled outside of court by the generosity of a billionaire (who for legal reasons, we’ll call Truce Blayne).

I never had much of a back and forth with Bagman. In fact, I’d often work from home and communicate over email since this was in the heat of the pandemic in Gotham City in early 2020. Once in the office, the initial excitement of working in The Bagcave subsided pretty quickly. It was actually a bit of a dark and dank place to work, to be honest. Plus, the commute to Upstate Gotham was a bit of a ball-ache. And there was never a Friday drinks or anything.

Although, I’d be lying if I said there were no perks. For instance: I got to sit in the Bag Mobile when vacuuming it, all meals were taken care of by the old man who lived with Bagman and they matched my 401k contributions.

I’d been in the job about three months before Bagman finally asked me to go out on a mission with him. He’d managed to crack a riddle made from letters cut out of a magazine. It gave away the location to where the Governor’s daughter was being held hostage at a factory downtown. So we took the Bag Mobile into the city and pulled up outside a dim-lit factory building at about midnight.

For me, it was all so thrilling and exciting, but Bagman seemed anxious about the parking situation. So he decided to back up the car behind a shipping container nearby.

Me: I thought The Bag Mobile had that function where it kinda locks up beneath a protective shell? I saw something like that in the Tim Burton movie ‘Bagman Returns’.

Bagman: Yeah well, that’s Hollywood for ya.

Me: So what’s the plan? Should I come with or should we split up?

I didn’t have any experience, but I was keen to throw myself into the work and seem enthusiastic.

Bagman: What? No. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re staying in the car, kid. I work alone.

‘Kid’. What the fuck? I was 35 years old. And I also found it super weird that he continued to speak to an employee with that deep throaty voice. His language and temper also made me uncomfortable. Now this was a big red flag. Especially since there was no HR department at the Bagcave.

Me: What about Bobin? Didn’t he used to go in with you?

Bagman: Shut up and stay in the car or you’ll get us both killed!

Me: Can I at least put some music on and have the window down a little?

Bagman: I don’t want to hear a peep out of this car.

He pressed a button to fling open the door and jumped out disappearing into the darkness. I called out hoping he’d hear how eager I was to help.

Me: Well, if you’re not out in 5 minutes I’m coming in after you.

He immediately appeared back at the car window.

Bagman: Do not follow me. Is that clear? Stay in the goddamn car! Jesus.

Barely 30 seconds had passed when I started worrying about Bagman. What if he was in big trouble and I just sat there and did nothing? I hadn’t passed my probation yet and also didn’t want to disappoint my childhood self and let Bagman do this alone. Fuck it, I thought. I’m going in.

I’ve since seen security camera footage of how the following events went down. Bagman scurried along the wall in a ninja-like fashion on one side of the building and having watched him for decades, I did the same on the opposite side.

Bagman snuck up on a guard watching the door and tapped him on the shoulder. When the big goof turned around Bagman suckered him with a quick stiff blow.

Seconds later, Bagman was inside where he found the Governor’s daughter tied up and hanging upside down. Unfortunately I too was hanging right there beside her.

You see, when I snuck up upon the big goof manning the door and tapped him on the shoulder, he saw my scrawny arms and immediately dragged me inside by the ear without any resistance.

Bagman: You fucking idiot, I fucking told you to stay in the Goddamn fucking car. You fool! You fucking fool.

Yes, he spoke to me using that exact language in front of other people. I was so embarrassed. Triple diple red flag.

Riddler: Well, what’s it going to be Bagman? You can only save one of them. The Governor’s pride and joy or your beloved sidekick. I’m sorry, what was your name?

One of The Riddler’s henchman removed the gag from my mouth so I could speak.

Me: Eagle. (This isn’t my real name, or what I said at the time, but I’ve always been fond of it if I ever did get the chance to have a sidekick name).

Bagman: He’s not my fucking Sidekick. He’s just a temp. His name’s Eric.

The Riddler nodded.

Riddler: That makes sense, we caught him sniffing around outside.
What happened to good ol’ Bobin?

Bagman: He’s away on Paternity leave.

Riddler: You’re kidding. I always thought he was, you know…

Bagman: What?

Riddler: I don’t know…he came across a little…

Bagman: You mean…gay?

That’s right. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing either. Bagman had used the incorrect term ‘gay’ to describe his trusty sidekick who was in fact queer. If I wasn’t tied up and hanging upside down I would’ve walked out on this job right there and then, believe me.

Riddler: Well, yeah, but I guess gay couples can adopt kids, too. They do make it quite hard though don’t they? It’s one of the reasons I want to destroy this city. All the red tape! Anyhow, pass on my regards. So, who’s going to die Bagman? The girl or the weak temp?

Two hours later Bagman and I were sitting outside Commissioner Gordon’s office. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Despite not checking in to see how I was doing, not to mention the way he spoke to me at the factory, I felt I needed to be the first to break the ice and thank Bagman. After all, he did choose to save my life.

Me: Such a shame about the girl, but thanks for saving me.

Bagman: Don’t talk to me. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. A young girl has lost her life because of your foolishness. She was 9 years old! I have made a terrible mistake.

Me: Um, wow. Okay. So you’re going to try and pin the murder of the Governor’s daughter’s on me now because you couldn’t do your job properly?

I must warn you, what happened next was both violent and a gross act of misconduct for an employer. Fortunately, it was all caught on the police station’s security camera and is currently being used as a primary piece of evidence against Bagman.

Bagman jumped from his seat. Rage filled his eyes and he grabbed me by the neck and threw me across the room. My lower L7 was ruptured, shoulder fractured and I broke my elbow in two places. Injuries I am still receiving treatment for almost 12 months later. Injuries I intend on being compensated for in-full by Truce Blayne.

I don’t remember anything after that because I had passed out in pain, but honestly, who knows how much further this crazed individual would’ve gone if Commissioner Gordon and his team didn’t step in and pull him away.

Thankfully, Bagman was stood down as Gotham’s go-to vigilante. In fact, the grieving Governor whose daughter was taken from him on Bagman’s watch even went as far as banishing Bagman from the city. Since then they’ve taken down the Bag Symbol light and even revoked his Gotham City parking permit for the Bag Mobile.

Bagman argues that I was largely responsible for the dark night in question after failing to follow strict orders to stay inside the car. He also claims that if he had not been banished from Gotham, the Joker’s recent attacks and destruction of several iconic buildings where thousands of lives were lost would not have occurred.

If you ask me, that’s a little far-fetched.

While I intend to sue Bagman for everything I can get, I was willing to negotiate a settlement if he agreed to apologize to me publicly for the pain and trauma he has caused, but my generous offer was simply met with silence.

The sad thing is (even sadder than the young girl who lost her life) is that I lost faith in my hero.

You see, it turns out it really is true what they say, you should never meet your heroes.

As a kid, I believed in Bagman’s mighty quest for ‘justice for all’. It was something I also strived to achieve and still do in my own life.

But what I’ve come to realize is, when Bagman said ‘all’ it didn’t include his own employees. And that’s why I deserve $12.5 million in damages.