We may have lost Noodle last week, but we beat on. Rejoining the action, it appears that the Krystal and Bibiana “feud” is front and center today. Is it really a feud if one of the people involved doesn’t know it’s happening? Like, if you asked Krystal what she thought about Bibiana… would her response be, “Who?”
Chris Harrison shows up in a shirt he got from Donald Trump’s tailor to inform us that:
1. Not everybody is going on a date this week.
2. There will be two groups and a single one on one.
GROUP DATE
It’s all about the ring…
Maquel, Jac, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana, Krystal
It’s time for the Glorious Ladies of Bachelor, AKA GLOB. GLOB is not quite as fun an acronym as GLOW, which stands for Glorious Ladies of Wrestling. GLOW isn’t even an ABC show, so it’s some very confusing synergy. Some original GLOW stars are in the house to teach our dum dums how this all works. Tia and Bibiana don’t GET that wrestling theatrical, and are immediately offended.
Next they get into costume. Some entertaining highlights… Gold Digger (Marikh), Lunch Lady (Maquel), and Bridezilla (Bibiana). The rest were basically just Halloween costumes. In the ring, there aren’t really any winners. Everyone makes an effort. They didn’t even put time with Arie as the prize, because people already don’t want that.
Later that night, they head to the trailer park. Krystal, steals Arie first and her voice sounds like Jennifer Tilly in Liar Liar or someone doing an impression of a phone sex operator. She’s VERY confident right now and heading for an inevitable crash.
Bibiana has decided to bring up her drama with Krystal to Arie. As we’ve seen in the past, this is a plan that has never back fired.
Arie takes each lady to a designated location where each lady is allowed to talk at him for 30 seconds while he paws them before a quick make-out sesh.
We learn a piece of Bekah’s sad story. Her high school boyfriend broke up with her. Sad! She ends up with the group date rose.
ONE ON ONE
You had me at Merlot… Lauren S.
Lauren’s date begins with her ominously packing her bags. Not a good sign for her becoming The One True Lauren. They’re flying to wine country and we quickly learn that Lauren’s voice is slightly less annoying than Krystal's, which is a low bar.
In Napa, they don’t really do anything cool. They’re just at a winery. Maybe the winery didn’t know they were coming and they were just like, “You can walk around if you want.” During the walk and talk, it very quickly surfaces that Lauren S. is very nervous. She tells Arie. She tells us. And then she starts to ramble.
Can Lauren S. let her guard down, earn a rose, and become The One True Lauren, at dinner? She claims it’s been a long time since she’s felt love. Her sad story is that her career got in the way of her last relationship. Then the wheels fall off. She wont stop talking. Arie even eats food! He doesn’t give her the rose. It’s super awkward. Arie actually sells her to the winery. She has to work there for five years before she can earn her freedom.
Arie then listens to a 10 piece orchestral group alone. and practices kissing on his palm. They didn’t show him practicing kissing on his palm, but I assume he did it. Congrats to Lauren B., who becomes The One True Lauren.
GROUP DATE
Love is ruff…
Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Analiese
Annaliese had a bad dog experience. She supposedly almost lost an eye. There is a reenactment of this event starring a toddler and a Chihuahua. It is perfection. The group is hanging out in the park with dogs and Arie is also there. There is a performance aspect to the date. It’s obvious that the women will fail at it, but maybe that’s the point.
Chelsea does terrible.
Ashley does terrible.
Jenna does terrible.
Annaliese dominates the role of pooper scooper.
Becca, also terrible.
Literally nobody was successful.
At least Fred Willard was there.
Chelsea gets the first time of the evening. Arie paws her until she stops talking and then tries mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Arie tells Caroline that the last time he was in love was on The Bachelorette, which was 5 years ago. Then he gets more mouth action.
Annaliese is struggling and Arie isn’t helping her at all. Then she’s interrupted by Chelsea for more mouth action. Literally everyone else has kissed him.
Becca says she’s falling for Arie, but Chelsea gets the rose. Have to like Becca’s edit at this point. She is a clear front runner.
It’s cocktail party time. The sun is going down on this episode and, once again, my ladies have not been featured. C’mon Maquel and Kendall!
Bibiana sets up this elaborate thing in the driveway with candles, a telescope, and a couch, but like five people get up on it before she does. The One True Lauren gets first taste, followed by Chelsea, then Bekah gets it next. Bibiana never makes it to the couch, which is probably for the best. That thing needs to be sanitized or burned.
Annaliese still has a tiny bit of dignity left, so she’s going to make the most of it. She’s still the only lady left without a kiss. After leading Arie on a weird tour of the mansion, she propositions him and is promptly Mutumbo’d. You would think that would be enough, but she goes back for one final shot. Unlike the Vikings, this is more of a Fail Mary. Arie let’s her know that he’s not feeling it and shows Annaliese the parking lot. Hopefully there aren’t any dogs or bumper cars waiting for her.
On to the roses! Only one lady will be leaving us, because Lauren S. and Annaliese have already been shown the door. Seems like Marikh and Bibiana are on the chopping block. Chelsea and Bekah already have roses.
ROSES
Caroline
Kendall
Ashley
The One True Lauren
Brittany
Becca
Seinne
Krystal
Tia
Macquel
Jenna
Jacqueline
Marikh
Bibiana gone. Lauren S. gone. Annaliese gone. DIZZLE GONE.
OFFICAL POWER RANKINGS
T1 GERGG’S GEISHAS (4) — Chelsea, Jenna [+2]
T1 B-SQUAD (4) — Becca, Tia [+2]
T1 CASH MONEY CAMILLIONAIRES (4) — Krystal, Caroline [+2]
#4 SAM’S SALAMI JUGGLERS (3) — Bekah [+1] OUT Bibiana
T5 DEAN MACHINE (4) — Jacqueline, Seinne [+2]
T5 LJ’S LOVELIES (3) — Lauren B [+1] OUT Lauren S
#7 #GROWNSEXY (4) — Kendall, Maquel [+2]
#8 THE MICHAELS (6) — Ashley, Brittany, Marikh [+3]
#9 DIZZLE’S SKANK SQUAD (1) — OUT Jenny/ Annaliese
#10 NOODLES NOODLERS (0) — OUT LaurenG/Valerie
