Dumpster Fire Recap: Bachelor in Paradise 8/21 & 22

jd
jd
Aug 28, 2017 · 6 min read

It’s night one of the return to Paradise and everybody is super excited to be back. The ladies have all the power this week, but the guys don’t seem to care. Taylor and Derek are the only real couple at this point. That’s only because bromances don’t count though.

The original bromance

ADAM
Welcome to the guy that brought a creepy stuffed doll of himself to Rachel’s season. A new person also means a fresh date card.

Adam’s arrival is the wake-up call that the dudes needed. Now they realize the odds are not in their favor. Who will Adam select for his date? He’s feeling Kristina. He’s feeling Queen Raven. Both ladies have been on dates, but that doesn’t mean much in Paradise.

He propositions Queen Raven and she accepts. This puts Ben Z in an awkward position. I’m sure you remember that he is spending time away from his dog to be in Paradise. Dogs are a very important part of Ben’s life. Don’t worry, we’ll talk more about Ben’s dog later.

Raven and Adam are having margaritas. That’s pretty much it. The dates in Paradise are basically just time away from everyone else. They don’t have much chemistry, but Adam doesn’t incessantly talk about his dog. Tough to hate his chances based on that alone.

When Raven has a conversation that doesn’t involve dogs

Four dudes will be heading home at tonight’s rose ceremony. Derek is the only fella that’s coupled up and safe. My guess on the send offs… Alex, Diggy, Nick, and Adam.

With roses on the line, some of the guys actually make an effort:
> Adam sweeps Raven off her feet before the rose ceremony
> Robby does whatever the opposite of that is with Amanda
> Iggy brings out some Yiddish for Lacey
> Diggy also spits some game at Lacey. Says she’s “AWESOME”
> Alex talks to almost everyone. Nobody feels that move or Alex.

While everyone else is scrambling, Dean finally sits down to talk to Kristina. They’re going to slow it down. That’s not what Kristina was looking for, so we’ll see how the rose ceremony shakes out. We can all see that Kristina should move on, but she’s not there yet. A real bummer for fans of our favorite Russian. Jack Stone, of all people, sums it up the best…

Dean is not quite an adult.
-Jack Stone

Quick break to let the President talk about continuing to murder brown people for 30 minutes. Gross.

Bingo!

Rose time! Four bros heading home
Taylor > Derek
Jasmine > Matt
Raven > Adam
Alexis > Jack Stone
Lacey > Diggy
Danielle > Ben
Kristina > Dean
Amanda > Robby

Oh no! Vinny’s going home? Lame. Amanda should have saved him. Won’t be missing Alex, Iggy, or Saint Nick.

Now the dudes have the power. How quickly will Kristina regret giving Dean a rose?

DANIELLE (D-Lo)
Yep. Another Danielle. The dudes are enchanted, but I don’t remember this person at all. She has a date card and is looking for Ben and Dean.

Ben and Dean seem very different to me. One is a beefcake and the other is a cupcake. She chooses Dean and Dean needs to talk it over with Kristina.

You did what any man would do. Say yes to the dress!
- Diggy

Dean and Kristina talk, but he leaves her on the hook. Dean sucks. Blonde Danielle tries to talk Kristina through it back on the beach, but she doesn’t say what I would have said… “You didn’t come here all the way from Russia to date someone that sucks.” She talks to so half the cast and none of them say anything like that.

Somebody needs to say it

This time the date is something they couldn’t have done back at the beach. They’re riding an ATV and YOU KNOW Dean’s riding bitch. They talk over their Bachelor experiences, which obviously leads to mouth on mouth action.

Dean returns from a successful date to have ANOTHER conversation with Kristina. In some impressively vain posturing, Dean STILL keeps her on the hook. This is headed for disaster.

That night on the beach, Dean sneaks away from a snuggle-up with Kristina for a surprise. He returns with a triangular piece of watermelon, covered in whipped cream, and a lit candle on top. Yep, Dean is awkwardly celebrating D-Lo’s half birthday. Everyone hates it. Dean is the worst. Kristina cries.

Talking to you Dean

SARAH
She was on Nick’s season. Sarah already has background with Adam. Raven approves of the match, but also tries to push her off on Ben. Maybe they both like dogs?

Sarah pulls Ben aside to see if they have any chemistry. You’ll never freaking guess what Ben wants to talk about…
Instagram?
His favorite brand of bread?
The evils of Capitalism?
A weird sex fetish?

Nope! None of those things, because Ben will not stop talking about his damn dog. It does not look good for Ben getting Sarah’s date card. She chooses Adam and he accepts.

This plays on a loop in Ben’s mind

Their date is nothing fancy. Dinner and drinks. No eating, of course. Sarah is all about Adam and Adam is all about people being all about him. Watch yuh back Raven!

A wild date card appears! It’s for Lacey. After striking out with multiple dudes, she gets her Diggy on. Also, Jorge is there. They’re taking one of Jorge’s classic Tourges. I assume this means tours and is pronounced Tour-hays? Jorge’s got horses! Jorge’s got champagne! Jorge’s got private beaches! Jorge’s got private beaches where he was also conceived. It’s the perfect place to put mouths together.

DOMINIQUE
I guess she was on Nick’s season? Diggy is excited for her arrival. Lacey is NOT.

Lacey getting owned

We can’t tell exactly how long Diggy and Lacey have been back from their date, but it’s very clear that it hasn’t been long. Lacey’s breakdown begins before Dominique even asks Diggy on the date. Once Diggy and Dom leave for the date, Lacey takes out her frustration out on Taylor. Having zero patience for the bull shit, your girl with the psych degree drops some knowledge...

That’s how fucking Paradise works.
-Taylor

Diggy is smooth with Dominique. He feeds her a chocolate covered strawberry and says he’s jealous that it got to touch her lips first. Hella-smooth. Where has this Diggy been?

Danielle is leaving (the blonde one)! She got a job in Africa and is heading out. Will Wells chase her cab down? Kind of! They put their mouths together in one of the most genuine moments in the show’s history. Will they make it? Or will B’s prediction that Wells will be the next Bachelor come to fruition?

Tell us there’s hope!
)
jd

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jd

@ me on the internets and stay weird

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